Greener Than Kermit's D*ck

A couple of weeks ago, Mrs. Prego and I went to see An Inconvenient Truth, the Al Gore documentary about global warming. Over the years, I have read my fair share of articles and research on the matter, so I cringed whenever I saw industrial smokestacks billowing and b*tches, (both male and female) driving their Hummers to the local supermarket. I tried to do my small part, by recycling everything possible -- including those cardboard cylinders you find in sh*t tickets and paper towels. Watching Mr. Gore spell it out for the slow folks, with neat little graphics really drove the point home. Enough so that I was glad we enrolled the O-Dog into swimming lessons at an early age.

Mrs. P has gotten a bit more enviro-conscious since watching the film, if our browser history is any indication (I see a lot more searches for "Prius", "Hybrid" and "mileage" than "Lands End Overstock"). I suppose I should follow suit. The first thing I plan on doing is ridding myself of my hockey mobile - a gas quaffing 95 Jeep Cherokee. I suppose I can cart a couple of Sherwoods around in a Mini Cooper. I just have to duck my head and keep the window open. Below is a list of additional measures I will take in order to be a little more enviro-friendly and thwart the thawing of the ice caps.

1. I'll cut down the visits to the in-laws, all of whom live in the suburbs. "I know it's your cousin's nephew's uncle's third birthday - but is it really worth burning all that fuel just to have supermarket cake and generic potato chips? Think of the planet."

2. If I am stuck at one of the aforementioned birthdays, I'll refrain from singing the optional three additional (and insipid) verses of the "Happy Birthday to You" song. They single-handedly melt a glacier and a half with the "girlfriend's first name" verse.

3. While on the singing topic, I suppose I should no longer sing 'Freebird' in the shower (including all the lengthy guitar solo parts). The hot water tank does double duty on that one. Maybe I'll just do In a 'Gadda Da Vida' instead. "Wonk-Wonk wah-da da wonk WONK wonk wonk..."

4. I'm going to have to put the kibosh on that drunk pissing game, where I try to void the entire contents of my bladder into the basin befor the flush cycle is complete. I usually end up having to flush thrice more before it's completely empty. Quite wasteful, ecologically speaking, but actually entertaining when I'm half in the bag. Dang....

5. Adieu lawnmower. Au revoir, snow blower. The former is one of those rusty little push reel jibbers, but I figure growing the lawn up to knee length is only good for the planet. Once it's taller than the kids, I might take a machete to it. As for the latter, yes, it's gas powered. Our parking pad is about 100 sq. feet and our sidewalk is rather manageable.

How do you turn your dishwasher into a snow thrower?
Give her a shovel.

6. I like to wear the same ratty t-shirt and jeans all weekend. I suppose I'll cut down on laundry production and the use of polluting detergent if I wear the same shirt and pants to work. If I just swap ties each day - the kids at school aren't likely to care or notice. The other teachers in the building might avoid me, but that's actually a bonus.

7. I'll actually walk to the corner to pick up the take-out food. They seem to be testy about delivering it lately anyway. I think they're calling me 'lazy spick' in Chinese.

8. Cancel my wife's magazine subscriptions. Those parenting magazines are a waste of forests. Hell, I'm doing fine winging it. Excuse me...

"Fletchmonster, don't take that sh*t. Kick his *ss."

9. More bong use... less rolling paper. Excuse me...
"Fletchmonster, want a hit? Wonk-Wonk wah-da da wonk WONK wonk wonk..."

10. Giving any a**hole on eBay negative feedback if they use three bags of packing peanuts to ship my Hummel figurines.

If any of those measures don't work, I'll have to take the swimming lessons with the O-Dog. Enjoy the heat, my fossil fuel-burning brethren.