'Ho - Re - Mi...

Dear Kim Cattrall,

I just wanted to drop a line to get something off of my chest. I have followed your career since Porky's. You really created cinematic history with your portrayal of Ms. Honeywell (Lassie), and your memorable 'howling' love scene is still the talk of the town in Boise, Idaho and Toledo, Ohio.

You followed that stellar role as lame-ass Steve Guttenburg's love interest in the the low-brow cult hit Police Academy. I give you credit, though for jumping ship before the onslaught of substandard sequels. Instead, you opted to give Timothy Hutton's Turk 182 character a reason to salivate.

Yes, you were riding a creative high when you made me daydream about a little sweet and sour action, starring you and that Asian looking fox in Big Trouble in Little China. Things started taking a turn south though, watching you roll around with ├╝ber-p*ssy Andrew McCarthy in Mannequin. What followed was a series of duds and supporting roles until your current incarnation as the skankiest of the skanks in Skanks and the City.

I realize car payments need to be made and groceries need to be bought. Regardless, you've relegated yourself from hot little biscuit to dried-up skeezer status. Furthermore, you have continuously polluted the cable airwaves with re-runs, featuring your half-naked 48 year-old ass crawling in and out of every mattress in New York. Sure, growing old's a bitch, particularly so for the ladies and even more so for the ladies in Hollywood -- but there are other more dignified ways to re-invent yourself. I don't want to sound judgmental, but you could've found roles for yourself as somebody's mother.... I know that's humbling, but Susan Sarandon seems to have adjusted well - and it's no more humbling than discussing the tawdry details of lascivious behavior with other actresses willing to sell themselves short.

In closing, I'd just like to say that I no longer wish to throw down with you. I'd much rather inject myself with STDs directly and save you the trouble.

Good luck with your future endeavors. I hear they might make a biopic about the oldest hooker in Vegas. Call your agent to get you a screen test before Karen Black or Pia Zadora beat you out.



Plumkrazzee said...

I. Agree. Blech.

About the eyebrows: Yes, I could be identified by them, it's a long story, but trust me, it's better this way. =)

Im Chele Im [dot] LA said...

Please really I seem to agree with you whole heartly..
I guess I never really thought about it until now...

~A~ said...


She does seem to invoke a certain ewwwwwwww feeling.

jfh said...

Forty-eight years old???? I knew she was 'older' than the other women, but oh my GOD! She looks great, skank or no. And I'm glad you don't want to do her anymore. So much better for your marriage and all.