8.1.06

Tale of the Tape - Presley v. Poe













A Teleplay

This opus is inspired in part by the birthdays of Elvis Aaron Presley (January 8th) and Edgar Allan Poe (January 19th) and by the fact that I just realized that they both have the same initials.


(ABC Sports Theme Song Fades)

Howard Cosell
Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen. This - is - Howard Co - sell. Tonight's title fight promises to be a mo-nu-mental - a colossal - a spec-tacular event between two warriors. What more can be said about Elvis Presley. A man who rose from humble beginnings in East Tupelo, Mississipi and Memphis to - reach - worldwide acclaim on the rock & roll carousel.

Edgar Allan Poe, a-bandoned by his father at - the - age - of - one, and orphaned a year later when his mother succumbed to tu-ber-cu-losis. He pulled himself up by his li-te-rary boot straps to become a prolific author to be reckoned with. A man who knows the meaning of the word inebriated, lubricated and pixilated... With me here is boxing legend and griller extraordinaire, George Foreman.

George Foreman
How are you, Howard?

Cosell
MAG - nificent. What's your take on today's battle, George?

Foreman
Well, Howard, Edgar's been Nevermore for over one-hundred and fifty years. Fortunately, all the alcohol in his system's preserved him pretty well. On the other hand, the King looks like shit.

Cosell
He sure does, George, but these fans don't seem to mind.

Foreman
Of course they don't, Howard. But this man ain't a fighter. That Kung Fu shit didn't fool me in the Seventies and it ain't going to do him any good now.

Cosell
Good observation, George. Though as in the case of Poe, the large quantities of pharmaceuticals he consumed in his lifetime has also conserved him in the twenty-eight years since his passing.

Foreman
It seems these men lived parallel lives, Howard.

Cosell
Indeed, they have. They both barely made it into their forties when they passed away. They both served in the armed forces, though Poe was unceremoniously dismissed from West Point while Elvis was honorably discharged after licking envelopes in Germany

Foreman
And, they both dug jailbait, Howard.

Cosell
How do you mean?

Foreman
Well, for one, that ain't all Elvis was licking in Germany. He met Priscilla there, who was only fourteen at the time, and Edgar was a Romantic Era-Jerry Lee Lewis, marrying his thirteen year old cousin Virginia Clemm in 1836.

Cosell
George, Elvis and Priscilla married in 1967, when she was about twenty-two years old.

Foreman
Howard, you don't think he was hitting that ass?

Cosell
No, George, I don't. The King is a Christian gentleman.

Foreman
Yeah, right. And I'm Mike Tyson's daddd... Is that a sandwich? Holy shit. The King's eating a sandwich. (Shouting to Presley) Hey fool, put down that goddamned sandwich are you crazy? At least use one of my grills to let the grease drip off that mother f*cker.

Cosell
Ladies and gentleman, this is truly a sight. I have never before seen a buffet table put in a boxer's corner before. The man is insane.

Foreman
Aw... shit. This match is over before it begins. This fool is here cramming all kinds of fried shit down his throat, while that creepy little bastard in that other corner is downing the Old Fashioneds like they was Gatorades.

Cosell
(Drinking from a flask) Ahem... I think we're about ready to start.

ANNOUNCER
Ladies and Gentlemen, Welcome to Rust-Belt Gardens - Tonight's title bout features two deceased heavyweight pugilists. In this corner, at a height of 6' and weighing in at approximately 288, otherwise known as Kid Galahad & Elvis the Pelvis. The King of Rock & Roll, Ellllvisssss Presleyyyyyyy!

(Crowd roars)

And in this corner, at 5'10", weigh 145 lbs. literary giant, the Macabre Master of Disaster... Maven of Ravens.... EDGAR ALLAN P - 0 - 0 - E - E - E!!!!

(Polite applause)

Howard Cosell
Well, we know who the crowd favourite is.

Referee
Okay boys, I want a clean fight. Nothing below the belt... Um... Elvis, can you put down that pot roast.

Elvis
Sorry, suh.

Referee
Okay... you know the rest. And you, Eddy, none of your funny business. No pick-axe, no broken bottles.

Poe
I assure you, sir, I shall fight (hic) honorably.

Referee
(turns face from Poe, disgusted by his breath) Are you sure you're okay to fight?

Poe
(Hic) I have never felt better. (Thud)

Referee
Um can we get a Doctor over here? The f*cking rummy just passed out.
(Commotion) Elvis, where are you going?

Elvis
The throne. These pork rinds have loosened something in here.

Referee
For crying out loud...

(Elvis proceeds to the bathroom, where we hear a flush and a resounding thump)

Cosell
Ladies and gentlemen, there you have it. Two brilliant careers cut short: One by gluttony and addiction, the other by the fiend intemperance. Though you might think that men and women might learn by their example, regrettably, others are sure to follow. For George Foreman and ABC Sports, This is Howard Cosell.

Foreman
You didn't tell 'em to buy my grill.

Cosell
I think Elvis bought a truckload before he went to the shitter. Now where's the nearest bar?

(ABC Sports Outro fades)





9 comments:

Mary Tsao said...

You should be writing for SNL. Seriously. You are funny.

Plain Jane said...

Any minute my boss is going to come hunt me down and I will be sitting here giggling. GIGGLING.

Jacques Roux said...

"Macabre Master of Disaster... Maven of Ravens" I LOVE it. But I keep hearing Tina Turner, ala Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome as the Ref with that line.

Nice work.

Oh, by the way, Michelle did NOT send me.

kenju said...

That Poe photo resembles Bill Murray if he had a mustache!

Amy said...

You are too funny. My husband came in to inspect what I found so funny.
I agree with Mary...SNL all the way!!

Plumkrazzee said...

OMG he doesssss look like Bill Murray! You are one funny little man, spaghetti.

Maryanne said...

You are not right! Actually can they have a rematch, but wrestle this time. I can hear Cosell now "From the top rope." You could have them use all kinds of props, a stuffed raven or a sock filled with prescription drugs! Or better yet, why don't you do a cook-off between Cosell and George, with Elvis and Poe commentating.

Sandy said...

I just...k. I have nothing witty to say. Everyone else has said it for me.

You're a gem Prego.

Via Michele today but always enjoy peeking in.

Carmi said...

Damn, you're funny.