Mass Exit-us

Skanks, trollops, hussies, "ho's," sluts, hootchies and skeezers left South Dakota this week in the wake of the reversal of abortion rights in the state.

"I'm bouncin'," declared Trixie McNeal, a renowned neighborhood floozy in Mitchell, SD. "This p*ssy is out of business."

The highways clogged, as tramps and bimbos scrambled to find a more liberal minded state. "I never thought I'd say it, but Kansas and Missouri are starting to look good. I'd like to go to New York, but I hear the taxes are a bitch."

Across the state, men are starting to feel the heat. "Nobody's puttin' out anymore," lamented one gentleman who declined to be identified. "My nuts are bluer than a smurf's ass."

Jim Bob Jenkins, a local low-life, found that his sister Thelma had installed an industrial strength Schlage deadbolt on her bedroom door. "That's it. We're moving to Kentucky."

A Schlage spokesperson declared that Thelma Jenkins is not alone. "Sales of deadbolts have skyrocketed in South Dakota. It's a bonanza." He added that company engineers were working on a pair of chain-mail panties with a cable waistband that can only be removed with a key.


Patrons of Hooter's restaurants found their favourite dining establishments boarded shut. "We just can't fin' no waitresses (sic)," announced a company spokesman.

"It's a sad, sad day when regular guys like us can't get any poon," remarked a saddened Mike Smith. "The gravy train is over." His favourite hooker boarded a bus to Oklahoma on Tuesday.

"I miss her," he said.

The governor, meanwhile, has been tracking stock prices for coat hanger manufacturers. "God bless America," he said, "and God bless South Dakota."

While the governor is making a quick buck, local dry cleaners have had to take added measures to protect their coat hanger supplies. Several Pierre dry cleaning businesses reported theft of their hangers. "I came in to work Wednesday and they were all missing. They tore out the paper 'thank you's' off of them and everything."

Meanwhile, an inebriated Jim Bob's wheels are spinning. "I'll just have to settle for head," said Jenkins.

"The f*ck you will, sh*thead," was Thelma's response.

I hear you, sister.