11.5.06

Bush-League Frankie

My wife always criticizes me for... um... (Well, what doesn't she criticize me about. Let me start this sh*t again.)

I never cared for my wife's male friends (her friends' husbands and boyfriends). No. It's not a jealousy thing. I just found that I was getting a "Home Team/Away Team" vibe, and I was the Away Team.

Mrs. P: We're going out with Joop and Jeep.
Prego: 'great.'
Mrs. P: (groan) Why do you hate my friends?!
Prego: I don't hate 'em. I just don't usually like their boyfriends.
Mrs. P: Well, try to be nice, anyway.
Prego: I always do.


Months later, my wife was offended at some remarks made at the Joop and Jeep household; you know... racist undertones and all that. I felt vindicated for having my patented bullsh*t detector dial on "11."

Chalk one up for the Away Team.

One of her other friends also came equipped with an accoutrement I didn't quite care for.

Mrs. P: I don't really like him either, but they're married now.
Prego: So?
Mrs. P: So try to be nice.

Months later, they divorced. I am no longer obligated to 'be nice' to him. I'm not going to go out of my way to be an *sshole, or wish him ill will. I just won't invite him over to play checkers and watch the dog shows on ESPN2.

I won't try to hit him with the car on a one-way street, either.

Now regardless of which camp one finds himself in or team you might be on, I've always felt there is unwritten code of conduct/honor for men to follow.

Example:

A female friend of mine, Josephine, has a son with an ex-boyfriend Caligula.

Prego: Hey, I ran into Caligula over the weekend.
Josephine: Hmmm. (disapprovingly) He said he had a 'medical problem' this week. Where'd you see him?
Prego: At Hank's Bar.
Josephine: We're having 'issues'.
Prego: Oh... (jokingly) Did I say Caligula? I meant Nero.
Josephine: It's all right. Was he with a blonde?
Prego: (poker-faced) Nope. He was with a couple guys he says were his roommates.
Josephine: Oh.



Code of f*cking conduct. He was with his roommates and the skanky-*ss blonde.

I didn't have to go to bat for this guy. Sure, he's all right, and he's kind of in my camp and all -- but to use a hockey analogy:

When Zdeno Chara was tangling with Vincent LeCavalier last month during the NHL playoffs, LeCavalier was clearly beaten and in a vulnerable position and nearly prone on the ice. Chara could have easily taken a couple shots to teach him a lesson, but instead he held his fist tightly clenched and cocked over his head until he allowed the officials to separate them.

I thought of myself as Chara, since I could have easily swung the fist directly into Caligula's face by ratting him and the blonde skeezer out.

I'm particularly strict in following this code, since in my young and wild days I lost a college sweetheart when some Claude Lemieux motherf*cker with an overwrought sense of justice clocked me in the jaw. Apparently, he felt it was his moral obligation to inform my beloved that I had a few trysts on the sly.

That's what's known as the 'buddy pass.' Allow me to demonstrate with the following highlight reel.



If you'll notice, Philadelphia Flyer RJ Umberger received a 'buddy pass' from his teammate Niko Dimitrakos, only to get leveled by Buffalo's Brian Campbell.

Substitute me for Umberger and the significant other for Campbell and you'll see what the 'buddy pass' is all about. Basically, a teammate sends a pass that puts you into a precarious situation. Kind of like a quarterback sending a pass to a receiver about to get clocked by three defenders.

"Thanks, buddy."

The effects of the concussion I received lasted several years.

I'm now older budweiser, skating with my head up. Sure, I keep my nose clean, but that doesn't necessarily protect me from an errant 'buddy pass,' which I was nearly the recipient of this week... from a motherf*cker with no code.

In order to clearly set up this scenario, I have a brother who has a striking resemblance to yours truly. People mistake us for each other all the time. My 'acquaintance' Frank is apparently one of those myopic types who can't tell us apart. Frank's wife is an old friend of my sister's, who is now friendly with my wife.

Frank: I saw Prego today at the park.
Mrs. Frank: Really? Was he with the kids?
Frank: No, he was with some blonde.
Mrs. Frank: Mrs. P?
Frank: No.
Mrs. Frank: Are you sure it wasn't his brother?
Frank: It was Prego.
Mrs. Frank: O-Dog and Fletchmonster's father? THAT PREGO? YOU'D BETTER BE SURE, BECAUSE I'M ABOUT TO CALL MRS. PREGO NOW!!!
Frank: You're going to call her?
Mrs. Frank: YOU'RE GODDAMNED RIGHT I'M GOING TO CALL HER!
Frank: Um... ...maybe it was his brother.

Needless to say, the call was made. Not as an indictment, but more of a humorous anecdote that Mrs. Frank wanted to share; which in turn, Mrs. Prego decided to share with me.

"Heh- heh."

There are three possible explanations for Frank's egregious infraction and breaking of the code:
  1. He's a complete f*cking idiot and didn't know better.
  2. He was under the sad impression that his wife followed the code. (Women don't. The b*tches play by a completely different set of rules...) and
  3. Motherf*cker wanted to throw me to the wolves.
In either of the three scenarios, my regards for him have plummeted.

Dude, you have no code. Turn in your testes at the door. You are hereby relegated to Clay Aiken status... Or to use a sports metaphor again... Your ass just got sent down to the minors. You don't have what it takes for this league.


Skate with your heads up, brothers... and more importantly, follow the code.

19 comments:

surcie said...

I like the team analogy a lot. Man, what an dolt!

KaraMia said...

have to say, it's the first time i've heard relationship comparison being done with Hockey...hmmmm
Code? Blah
here via michele today =0)

Carmi said...

The world would be a happier place if folks paid more attention to the rules of team sports.

You have such a way of telling stories like this. This one was a great journey that, I suspect, most of us could easily relate to.

But I don't know anyone named Caligula :)

Aginoth said...

Boy that was some check in the hockey game

Michele sent me

Weary Parent said...

Hockey?? Haven't had to watch a game since my son moved into his own house! Do I miss it...

;)

Thumper said...

Man,,,you know some funky-named people ;)

Here via Michele's. Between sports and code--understanding neither--my head's gonna pop.

Nic said...

CRACKING ME UP dude!

Yeah, try this one - "the X" and I are trying to patch up our marriage and a friend of mine sees him out at a bar with two very trashy women and he's kissing on one of them. Yeah. Nice. Needless to say, that's one reason we're divorced now.

Hi from Michele's!

ribbiticus said...

you somehow made sense with the hockey-relationship co-relation. you tell such great stories, i can almost hear you "telling" it to us. :)

craziequeen said...

MB has his friends, who bore me...and I have my friends who bore him.....

ao he goes out with his and I go out with mine - sorted! :-) Everyone has a good time!

And I would love to comment on the sport analogy, but I know nuffink about hockey....is it hockey? :-)

cq
Michele sent me....

srp said...

Here from Michele.
There are actually men out there who don't go freaking ballistic over their wives having a male friend? Wow. Who knew.

Chatty said...

The code. LOL Love it.

Michele sent me.

Star said...

I have to say you lost me with the sports analogies, but I get the gist. Seems to me you should be most concerned aboput not hurting the innocent party, like Josephine. Who cares if the cheater takes one on the chin? Michele sent me.

rob said...

What's great is that clip comes from a site called hockeyfights.com.

There's an entire site dedicated to hockey fights.

God damn, that's awesome.

I want badgerfights.com.

Ooooo...how 'bout wrestlertights.com.

scabiemites.com?

Sometimes I think that there's just way too much internet out there.

Mitey Mite said...

Don't think I agree with you about "the code", but I love your hockey analogies. Ex-hubby played hockey in college .. does that help explain both positions?

Here via Michele..

Karen said...

Wow, it's exhausting to read this. I've never encountered a man with so much drama in his life. The guys I know tend to completely avoid drama in every way, shape or form. Hang in there! I never realized that there were man codes too.

Michele sent me....

Jacques Roux said...

Brilliant again, good sir. And I would find some time to have a little "chat" with your boy, Frank, because frankly, that dipshit needs to have a little "correction" in his understanding of the Code.

Meghan said...

I have been on both sides of "the code". I plead the fifth.


Sometimes it's just being forced to lie in the bed one already made. It's hard to feel TOO bad. But that usually happens without my involvement eventually anyways so I tend to keep my mouth shut and just give the stink-eye to the offending party.

Im Chele In [dot] LA said...

oh lord...
I agree women have their own code unless you piss them off then all the rules are out the door....

cementkitten said...

code schmode!!! All men are liars and are not to be trusted! :) Love hockey and I love the analogy.