22.6.06

Blowing My DaVinci Load

I know common courtesy dictates that when writing about a film or novel one must daren't divulge the surprises -- like the fact that the chick in 'The Crying Game' had a schlong bigger than yours, that Bruce Willis didn't know he was 'Patrick Swayze'd' in The Sixth Sense or that Jesus dies at the end of the story.

Then again, I never had much common courtesy. If you hate 'spoilers,' then, bail now.

After watching The DaVinci Code:

Mrs. Prego "What did you think?"
Me "If that was me instead of Tom Hanks, I'd have been making a few baby Jesuses at the end of the movie."
Mrs. Prego "What? What does that mean?"
Me "Come on. How hot would it be to get it on with a descendent of Jesus? Especially if she looks like Audrey Tautou."
Mrs. Prego (rolls her eyes) "Groan."

Yeah. I'm not as big a man as Robert Langdon. As soon as I figured out the fille was the great (x 900) grand-daughter of 'Jesu', the blood would surely have started rushing towards the pocket rocket.


Penis "She's what? That is so f*cking hot!"
Brain "Shut up, dude. You're gonna get us zapped by lightning!"
Prrzzzzzzzzzzzzzzt..... (sizzle)

Shit. She's the hottest piece of ass in French Christianity since Sainte Jeanne D'Arc. Hell, even if she looked like Rosie O'Donnell, getting it on with the off-spring of a deity has got to be outstanding. I thought of all the possiblilities and dirty-talk that would accompany the throes of passion. They're endless.

Of course there's the "Oh, God," and the "Sweet Jesus," which take on whole new connotations. You can, however, put a new spin on an old classic:

"Who's your saviour? Who's your saviour?"
(You could substitute "messiah," too.)

How about something a little more abstract...
"Render onto Caesar!"
"AAaaaahhh. Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the lord"
"No. No. No. Don't take off the crucifix."
"In the name of the father (thrust) and of the son (thrust)..."
"Oh. I'm about to go Pontious Pilate on your shit."
"Daaaaaaah... Into your hands I commend my spirit!"

Then, there are the 'technical difficulties.

Is she being a little shy?
"Come on, baby Your great-(x900) grandmother used to do this to the Roman Soldiers for a couple denarii. It's in the Bible."

Bushy?
"Baby, you need to make with the razor. It feels like a crown of thorns down there."

Smelly?
"Why don't you go anoint with some Massengill?"

Of course, it'll make pillow talk interesting.
(Fweeeep.... puff) "Say, you think you could put in a word for me to the almighty to let me in for free?"
"Wouldn't it be cool to have a menáge á trois with, like Satan's grand-daughter?"
"Oh, is it 11.30 already? I've got to go. Got to get to church in the morning."
And of course, there's, "Zzzzzzzz. Zzzzzzzzzz."


Uh huh. I'd definitely have to hit that holy ass. I would name all the kids Jesus, too. That's "Hey-ZOOS", not "GEE-ZUS". I am Hispanic, you know. It be cool to see a bunch of kids running around my yard with halos on their heads.

Jesus #3 "Waaaaah. Dad. Jesus called me a blasphemer."
Me "JeSUS! Come over here. What did you call your brother?"
Jesus # 4 "He started it. He said I was a wannabe Zionist."
Jesus #3 "I'm going to tell great (x 901) grandpa."

On second thought... I don't know if I can handle those kinds of in-laws. Maybe it'd be preferable to find a Confucian descendent ("Confucius say, 'Me so horny') or Buddha's...("Nir (thrust) va (thrust) na (thrust)") or Vishnu's niece ("Take those extra arms and play with them titties... Yeah... That's what I'm talkin' about.... Now take that other hand and... ooooh.")

43 comments:

kenju said...

I don't know if you will win an award or be sent to hell for this post, Prego. It is creative, to say the least. Some people will be deeply offended, even though you told them not to come calling. Funny enough, I wrote about offending people tonight too.

Michele sent me.

kenju said...

Ha! I laughed at your comment to me about the old ladies locking their car doors when you drove up. I don't think you are that much of a hood, are you??

Michele sent me back to say that - it's her fault.

chelle said...

heheh that is one of the best movie reviews I have read in a long time!!

Michelle says Howdy!

Dara said...

So what you're saying is, your wife is a saint! ;) Michele says hi.

barbie2be said...

hahahahaha.... i just saw the movie today.

verniciousknids said...

I hope you don't get smote because of this...because that was incredibly entertaining!

Vampirella said...

LMBO


that was sooo funny

here via Michelle

November Rain said...

LMBO


that was sooo funny

here via Michelle

btw forgot to sign out as vampi see what happens when you have more than one blog account ;)

Tia said...

Dara stole my first thought when reading this! Funny!

And.... (this is pertaining to an earlier post of yours), my first concert was ZZ Top in Helsinki... OMG - my girlfriend and I were SOOOOOOOOOOO in love with Frank Beard!!! Why is it I always fall for the drummers?!

Tia said...

oooops........ Hi, Michele sent me!

Chatty said...

I haven't read the book nor seen the movie. It just doesn't interest me. Even with all the hype...and your rendition! LOL

Michele sent me.

Karen said...

haven't seen The DaVinci Code yet...

here from Michele's!

Claude said...

It took about two and a half years, but I finally went to the library and borrowed the book. Given that my taxes paid for it, I think I want my money back.

I didn't have a lot of interest in seeing this movie until about five minutes ago. I hadn't really considered this angle.

Here from Michele's.

rampant bicycle said...

Hey, Audrey is pretty smoking hot. ;)

Hello from Michele's!

OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

I actually stopped reading after you said..."Bail now"..I didn't want to read on and have my experience of The DiVinci Code spoiled...but, I did want to say I am here from Michele today Prego! Long Time No See! Hope all is good with you and yours, my dear.

Dave said...

Here from Michele's today, am I right in thinking that you quite fancied her?

Dave said...

Essex is about an hour!

Jacques Roux said...

Oh, My, GAWD!!!!!! Too many quotable quotes here. My brain can't keep up with the hilarity!!!!

Of course, that just might be the refer settling in...

Great stuff, Prego. I can't wait to use the "Who's your saviour" with FC. (Messiah's just too many syllables)

surcie said...

Eeew. That's all I got.

Juliness said...

I realize I am woefully out of order in the Comment Game at Michele's, but I visited you out of curiosity and died laughing at your Da Vinci post. VERY well-written. Just what I needed today.

honestyrain said...

i am ALL about paul bettany (silas in da vinci code) and we got to see his butt in the film! his butt!!!

here via michele's.

Common Sense Beauty said...

That was hilarious.
Here from Michele.

OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

Michele sent me back again tonight, Prego...Still would like to see the film before I read this.

Pickalish said...

I saw a bumper sticker today that said, " Where are we going? And why am I in a handbasket?"

ROFL. Are you sure it wasn't you I saw?!

Becky said...

That was hilarious, Luckily I don't take my religion seriously! (heck, it's nearly not even my religion!)
Here from michele's

kenju said...

THAT Michele, she sent me here again, Prego. When will it ever end??? (just kidding)

jennypenny said...

Lol i can't even comment on this post because I am just laughing too damn hard. You are seriously one of the funniest bloggers i have ever (not really) met. Dude, you rock.

keda said...

i came all on my own.. ooh i di'nt mean that!

f*ckin hilarious. 'who's your saviour' rocking babe :)

rob said...

"Ahhhh...Mr. Prego. So good of you to join us. My name is Rob and I'm the Maitre D here in the 3rd circle.

You'll be happy to know that we have a table reserved for you right up front.

We hope you enjoy the entertainment. It's Gallagher and his Sledge-o-Matic...

For eternity...

And he has a bottomless bushel of poop filled babies.

Bon apetit."

See you down there, hermano...

r

fin...

Post - Inspired!

rob said...

Oh...and don't listen to Keda.

She meant it...she's just a little embarrassed to admit it.

Blond Girl said...

Michele sent me. A few random thoughts: first, now I want to see "The Crying Game". Second, on our way out the door to see "Titanic", I said to my brother, "Now, I don't mean to ruin the movie but I gotta let you know... The ship? It sinks." My brother laughed for a long time over that one. It's still a family saying.
Third: Yes, I see the lightning gathering now. What a post!

Carmi said...

You make people laugh. Constantly. You also make them think. This alone should be enough to keep the major religious leader dude from spiking you with lightning bolts.

I'll fire 'em right back on your behalf if I sense he disagrees.

keda said...

aw shucks rob! you know me so well! ;)

NO damn, i didn't mean to admit that..
shit think before typing.. THink woman. think!

Last Girl On Earth said...

Prego, you are TOTALLY out of your mind...In a good way! (I've actually missed your sick sense of humor! Hope you are well!)

Silly Old Bear said...

Bwahaha!

Michelle who? Is she related to Heyzoos too?

It'd be handy to be the great great (to whatever power) grandson of Jesus.

High school quarterback? ALWAYS can throw a hail mary to win the game.

Plain Jane said...

I'm a rotten bitch for not visiting more often. I'm sorry.

Sophie T. Mishap said...

I don't know who Michele is, but Sweet Fancy Jesus Is Your Son that was funny!

Nicely done. :)

used*to*be*me* said...

that was great!

jfh said...

Dear Lord, Prego, I have never had such a gigantic MOUND of impure thoughts clogging the visual imagery part of my brain. Where the heck is the confessional when you need one???

the cryer said...

damn. that was fhilarious! haven't been in a while... glad i stopped in!

Michele sent me!

Jessica said...

Oh shit... I choked on my orange juice. That was so funny, but so wrong. It's like a car wreck or a guilty pleasure... Keep up the good work. Your wife must laugh a lot.

caramaena said...

hilarious!

here via Michele's

Michele said...

Hello, Prego sent me....

What a wonderfully creative "review." Of course, it was written AFTER the posters were printed for the cinema release so they were unable to quote you. However, there is still time to include Prego-endorsed commentary on the DVD release. Perhaps they could use the line "She's the hottest piece of ass in French Christianity since Sainte Jeanne D'Arc."

You would give permission for this, no?