Sounds of Silence

Nothing made me feel more ghetto last week than driving the 1995 Jeep Sh*twagon around town sans muffler.

I was laying in bed and was startled by the obscene sound of scraping metal on ashphalt and that of un-muffled exhaust.

"Damn," I thought to myself. "Time for that bastard to head to the muffler shop."

Minutes later I hear the key opening the front door and my wife sheepishly peeking her head into the bedroom.

Stifling her laughter, she says "I just killed your muffler!"

"That was you?! Faaaaahk." We both chuckle over the situation.

Ordinarily, I'd have taken the thing to Midas or Cole for repairs, but since I'm selling it I didn't want to shell out the $175 minimum those bastards would charge. I had to figure a way to cheap out.

The entire week, I drove that thing to work: Duggah-duggah-duggah-duggah-duggah-duggah-duggah-duggah-duggah-duggah...

I felt as if everyone in the neighborhood took a peek my way in disdain.

Even my brother caught wind of it.

Bro: So what's up with your car?
Me: The muffler. Why?
Bro: One of your old students came in to my classroom saying, "Mr. G, your brother's car sounds like sh*t. I can hear him coming from two blocks away."
Me: Faaaaahk.

Fortunately, my father-in-law is a handy individual with an insatiable desire to acquire every tool known to mankind. He kindly asked me to bring the car over on Saturday morning.

En route, the O-Dog wanted me to tell me a little story.

"Daddy, did you ever (duggah-duggah-duggah-duggah-duggah-duggah-duggah-duggah) and then (duggah-duggah-duggah-duggah-duggah-duggah-duggah-duggah) with the girl who (duggah-duggah-duggah-duggah-duggah-duggah)"

"What, buddy?"

"The girl who (duggah-duggah-duggah-duggah-duggah-duggah-duggah-duggah) with (duggah-duggah-duggah-duggah-duggah-duggah-duggah-duggah)."

"I'm sorry. Which girl?"

"Ah forget it!"

When I finally arrived at the in-laws, ears still ringing, I found that my father-in-law already had the ramps up. This guy loves a project like a spider likes a fly.

$9 in clamps later, the muffler was re-attached and the only sounds in the car were of my two little bastards singing the "Baby, baby - Stick Your Head in Gravy" song to each other in between wails and swinging fists on the way home. In some ways, I missed the Duggah-duggah-duggah-duggah-duggah-duggah-duggah-duggah-duggah-duggah-duggah-duggah-duggah-duggah-duggah-duggah-duggah-duggah-duggah-duggah...

On the way back to work this week, though, I missed it like a prom queen misses a pimple.

Thanks for pimpin' my ride, Mr. F. For less than ten bucks, too.


Carrie said...

HAHAHA! I shouldn't be laughing. I just love to read your stories. You are so animated.

~A~ said...

Did you ever find out what you did with the girl who with?

Prego said...

A -, he actually refused to repeat the story.

And thanks for the compliment, Carrie.

Pickalish said...

Mr. Pickles tried to replace our muffler BY HIMSELF a few weeks ago. Started out at $47, and because he made such a mess, ended up costing $129. No more mechanics for that dude.

Jacques Roux said...

nothing like family and friends to help keep things on the cheap.

Atul said...

I agree jacques. there's also nothing like having somebody you know do it right and not getting ripped off or having to deal with bad customer service. I'm not a real haandyman, but doing maintenance or repairs myself can be very satisfying.

Meghan said...

I keep telling my three single sisters to marry a mecahnic for God's sake and contribute SOMETHING to the better good of the family. I think I need to put togehter dowries of socket wrenches and hydraulic equipment. That should to it.