Wherever You Are Ain't the Place to Be

The older I get, the more I think about what's going to be running through my mind om my deathbed. As my joints begin to stiffen, my a**hole begins to sh*t cacti and the bald spot in the back of my head is approaching the diameter of a beer coaster, I think of all the things I hate to do and avoid them as much as possible.

Surprisingly, "work" did not make the list. I'm a firm believer that if that is the case, a mass mailing of resumes is truly in order. Some honorable mentions that also do not appear are: the toilet (when I am constipated), the wrong line in the supermarket (when foodstamps are issued), the DMV or other city, county or state office, and the mall.

THE TOP 5
5. Court. Nothing makes me feel like 'brown trash' more than having to sit in court with shoplifters, drunks and wife-beaters. Fortunately this only happened once, and it's something I'd rather not repeat. I'll learn to hold my tongue at the next airline customer service desk from now on. This is particularly worse if it happens in Cheektowaga. There is a high 'whiskey-tango' factor, with de rigueur Buffalo Bills attire of players not seen on the squad since the 90s. Pathetic pleas of "It was only a $20 sweater" from plain jane high-schoolers further pains the experience.

4. A Vehicle. If I had to live anywhere that warranted a 30+ minute commute, I would definitely have to take the aforementioned vehicle and drive it off of the nearest bridge. I also hate being caught in a heavily trafficked suburban artery. I seethe miserably, grind my teeth and feel a nervous twitch in my lower left eyelid.

3. Hospitals. Is there any good reason to spend time there? They've depressed me ever since my mother passed away. While there is an up-side, such as childbirth, (or if, for instance, somebody jammed a phillips-head screwdriver in my ear, I can't think of a better place to have it removed), generally there aren't too many good reasons to find yourself at one. It's even worse if you don't get courteous, caring service.

2. Church. Weddings, baptisms... mass... Hopefully if there is a god, he'll be understanding after my funeral, but all that kneeling, standing, droning and off-key singing actually peeves me. I understand that some people need 2000 year old folklore to make their life meaningful and to give them a warm, fuzzy superiority complex. Others need it to keep their ids in check. It serves neither purpose for me. If you hear a rhythmic tap of the hymnal clip on the back of your pew, yeah... that's me. I did have a proud parent moment walking by the ubiquitous bloodied up statue of Jeebus and having my 4 year old son ask, "Who's that guy?"

1. Banks. Nothing makes my stomach burn more than having to wait in a line at a bank. Even if there are no other customers around, the inefficiency at these places cause you to wait 10 minutes for a dead-eyed dolt who can't make a decision on their own to hand over a roll of nickels. It's gotten even worse since all this terrorist hoopla started. I've got five accounts at the same bank and they still manage to make me feel like they just met me by asking me a million questions and for 90 identifications. I don't think I have enough money kicking around to funnel cash to a self-respecting terrorist for purchase of a pack of firecrackers.

There you have it. If you see at any of these locales, please have the courtesy of putting me out of my misery.