Trisyllabic Coffee Drinker

I know this is going to come across as homophobic to the hypersensitive, or Anti-metrosexual to the urbane hipster doofi, or just plain sexist - but please - when ordering your coffee during the morning rush, please refrain from requesting something from the Pansy-European list. If you're really in the mood for a "swizzbery mochiato," a "mint mocha creamuccino" or a "triple-venti skinny latte mierda milkshake" at 7.30 am your troubles run deeper than just a need for caffeine.

Do not order anything that makes you sound like a pretentious, sugar guzzling gilipolla. And when ordering, try any of these methods:

"Large Coffee."
You may precede this with a "Good Morning," or a "G'mubmg" and follow it with a "please" if you're the well-mannered type.

"Coffee, bitch."
You might need to follow this up with a resounding "Now!" to thwart the bewildered or insulted look this one is likely to yield.

"Joe. Pronto."
Though you might have to substitute "Quickly" in place of "pronto" if you happen to live in the bible belt, or any other homogenous, white-bread wasteland.

"Large and black."
Self-explanatory, unless you ARE large and black, in which case, further clarification is warranted.

Mumble and point
This is only effective if you are agitated and looking at your watch, in which case the clerk better figure out what it is that you're requesting quickly before you go into a caffeine-deficient tirade.

Additionally, you don't actually have to refer to the sizes as "Venti," "mucho, "muy grande," "thimble," "dios mio" or "faggedaboutit." Unless you want to succumb to feeling like an asshole in public, "Large," "medium" or "small" will suffice.

Also, please refrain from refering a coffeehouse employee as a barista. You may refer to them as any of the following:
"Joe Momma"
"Jennifer" or
"Starbucks," as in "Yo, Starbucks, where's the raw sugar."

If you are a barista, or just have an affinity for sissy coffee-esque beverages and feel the need to unleash a retort, feel free to do so. Maybe we can meet over a "muy grande maple espresso mocchiato" to discuss satire.

Update: Revenge of the Barista


Mary Tsao said...

Now that I've gone back to "medium coffee with room for cream," I'm beginning to hate those in front of me who order "peppermint spice chai latte with half decaf and, oh, can you put the whipped cream in a separate cup?"

There should at least be separate lines for people like that. Harumph!

Meghan said...

This gave me a good and much needed laugh. Thanks!

shannon said...

I like how sometimes they correct your coffee order. I'll say something like vanilla decaf grande latte and they'll not leave it at that. They feel the need to repeat it back to me in corrected form: grande decaf vanilla latte. Jeez, thanks. I'll immediately commit that to memory now.

jennypenny said...

Since you linked to it.. I just HAD to go back and comment on this one. Don't get me wrong, I love my tim hortons regular old coffee (large with cream) but there is something insanely addictive about the sugary caffiney goodness that my special coffee brings (i know weird coming from the girl who cant stand sugar in my regular coffee). I feel your pain.. but just try it. It is freakishly yummy.