Trisyllabic Coffee Drinker
I know this is going to come across as homophobic to the hypersensitive, or Anti-metrosexual to the urbane hipster doofi, or just plain sexist - but please - when ordering your coffee during the morning rush, please refrain from requesting something from the Pansy-European list. If you're really in the mood for a "swizzbery mochiato," a "mint mocha creamuccino" or a "triple-venti skinny latte mierda milkshake" at 7.30 am your troubles run deeper than just a need for caffeine.
Do not order anything that makes you sound like a pretentious, sugar guzzling gilipolla. And when ordering, try any of these methods:
You may precede this with a "Good Morning," or a "G'mubmg" and follow it with a "please" if you're the well-mannered type.
You might need to follow this up with a resounding "Now!" to thwart the bewildered or insulted look this one is likely to yield.
Though you might have to substitute "Quickly" in place of "pronto" if you happen to live in the bible belt, or any other homogenous, white-bread wasteland.
"Large and black."
Self-explanatory, unless you ARE large and black, in which case, further clarification is warranted.
Mumble and point
This is only effective if you are agitated and looking at your watch, in which case the clerk better figure out what it is that you're requesting quickly before you go into a caffeine-deficient tirade.
Additionally, you don't actually have to refer to the sizes as "Venti," "mucho, "muy grande," "thimble," "dios mio" or "faggedaboutit." Unless you want to succumb to feeling like an asshole in public, "Large," "medium" or "small" will suffice.
Also, please refrain from refering a coffeehouse employee as a barista. You may refer to them as any of the following:
"Starbucks," as in "Yo, Starbucks, where's the raw sugar."
If you are a barista, or just have an affinity for sissy coffee-esque beverages and feel the need to unleash a retort, feel free to do so. Maybe we can meet over a "muy grande maple espresso mocchiato" to discuss satire.
Update: Revenge of the Barista