"E.T." Now Phoning Home with Unlimited Minutes

Every once in a while, American society embraces new products and/or technology with the fervor that a shithawk embraces bagel scraps in a supermarket parking lot. Some trends, like the microwave, are pretty benign, unless of course you're feeding your family uninspired meals from it's sauce stained innards on a nightly basis.

SUVs definitely came back to bite us in the ass with a vengeance, as some of us had to dip in to our kids' college savings to fill the f*cking tank. I remember when everybody started jumping on that bandwagon. I used to work with this hot little biscuit named Pam. She was about 5'1" and weighed about 109 lbs. and had her heart set on getting a GMC Jimmy. "Pam, what the hell do you
need one of those things for? Aren't they for independent contractors?" She got it anyway.

The latest gadget that really creases me is the ubiquitous cell phone. Originally, the cell phone weighed as much as 2 lbs., worked for only a half an hour and retailed for $4,000. Basically, only CEO's and VIPs carried them. Nowadays, most phones weigh slightly more than a sizeable booger, and every inbred from Oregon to f*cking Kentucky has one.

I'll admit, I put my time in the trenches. My mom was terminably ill, so I wanted to call her every day from every where. Then I got married and started having kids, and the wife wanted me readily available in case anything came up. Well, something came up once, and the goddamned thing was out of reception. After that, I found I was spending $50 a month just to be at my wife's beck and call. "Where are you? WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE THERE IN TEN MINUTES!" Or the last straw, when I was on my way to play hockey. "THE KIDS ARE DRIVING ME NUTS. DO YOU HAVE TO PLAY HOCKEY THREE TIMES A WEEK!"

Ask my friend Doug about that one. I gave him my phone and asked him to heave it at the next mailbox we drove past.

Needless to say, this pesky little gadget has usurped public decorum and decency since it reared itself on our ugly heads. I thought I'd share the five biggest reasons I detest them.

#1 Driving
This is a no-brainer. Especially those a*sholes that dissimulate its usage, since driving while talking became illegal. Yo, F*CKHEAD, it's illegal for a a reason. Tell your wife or husband you'll see them when you get home.

#2 Psychotic Monologuists
Particularly high chafe factor goes to the pissed off girlfriend who is walking down my street swearing at whomever the f*cking poor unfortunate soul on the other line is while I'm trying to put my children in the car. Listen, Shaneequah, I know you got a rough deal, but if you don't stop the swearing, I'm going to jam that phone in your ass (right after I call 9-1-1 so you can get yo'self an ambulance to take you somewhere to have it surgically removed). Also, why doesn't the a*shole on the other line say "Bitch, you crazy," and hang up? Chances are they're walking past a day care unleashing their own share of profanities.

#3 Check-Out Chatterbox
It's bad enough I have to cringe at the $138 worth of crap you are about to put in your body and that of your family's while standing behind you at the supermarket, but could you please make the painful experience a bit more abbreviated by shutting the f*ck up, paying for your sh*t and getting out of my sight? It is painfully rude for you to gab away while fumbling for your chequebook, instead of acknowledging the hard working clerk that just rang up your case of generic soda pop and hamburger helper.

#4 "Paging Dr. Herman"
Whether you're in a boring college course, a movie theatre, a sh*tty fundraiser your wife dragged you to, or your wimpy ass kid's chorus recital, turn off your goddamned phone. I care not to hear that clever little personalized ringer that only you find amusing. Other people might actually be interested in what you obviously have very little regard for. When your son Jimmy's career takes off and he's packing them in singing torch songs for the "fellas" in the Florida Keys, you'll be sorry you weren't more attentive to his budding career. Do us all a favor: If you think some dire emergency might arise that warrants your immediate attention, stay home and wait for the call.

#5 Dinner for Three
I stopped at a coffee shop last night and saw a table of six young college age, esoteric hipsters - three of whom were either engaged on conversations on their phone or fidgeting with all the crappy little features. If you make arrangements to go hang out with someone, shopping, dinner, a walk in the park, leave the goddamned phone at home. If the person is cool enough or special enough to dedicate spending time with, then the social situation doesn't call for further entertainment or conversation for you from a third non-present party. I have seen girls amble through an entire store together without exchanging two words to each other. As in scenario #2, it is very likely that the other two skanks they were on the phone with were probably in the middle of a mall-walk themselves. Very, very uncool.

Then there's the a*shole at the rock concert, calling his hessian friend during Journey's encore of "Don't Stop Believing..." the jerk at the bus stop rattling off sports scores to his buddy... the 15 year old making unnecessary calls just so that his friends could see her parents got her one... the drunk frat boys and hussies taking pictures of each other and showing them, as if they don't already know what they f*cking look like... the jackass parent who gabs away while absent-mindedly taking their kid's report card from the teacher at open house and not discussing the kid's inattentiveness in class...