23.12.05

All I Want for Christmas...

File Under: It sucks when the little bastards get sick


Dear Satan Santa:

I've been a pretty good boy this year. I rarely beat my wife, use only the mildest of hallucinogens, pay most of my taxes, haven't gotten arrested again, stopped eating veal, stopped clubbing seals and threw out all my John Tesh records. There is only one thing I want this year.

The Fletch-Monster's had some mutant bug for the past week, causing him to leak out of both ends. He's in good spirits, playing with his brother and running around the house squealing, in between bouts of vomit and diarrhea. This morning, I have changed the world's most disgusting diaper. Even the Fletch-Monster, in his infinite 20 months worth of wisdom was driven to say, "Yucky. Daddy, yucky." as I negotiated the delicate task of removing his soiled pyjamas and shirt.

"I know, little buddy," I reassured him, as I took off his clothes (all the while thinking "you're GODDAMNED right this is gross! This is as gross as all hell)."

He had the presence of mind to clench his arms firmly against his sides, ensuring I could not pull his clothes over his head. After a quick look around for a pair of scissors, the best course of action was to pull the clothes down, and have him escape through the head.

So if you could somehow manage to make sure the next diaper has a solid bowel movement, I'll get your back. Please. May it have the consistency of a Denver nugget, a yule log, Snickers Bar, Hershey's Kiss, fruit cake... even chocolate toothpaste.


Yours truly,
Prego

30 comments:

Pieces of Me said...

I hope you have a very merry christmas and you get everything you want LOL..Michele sent me today..TTYL

Courtney said...

eww...
No fun there.
Merry, merry. Here via Michele.

Bitchet said...

Prego, My two youngest were dealing wiht that stomach virus. Very gross. i am just happy that they all seem to know how to get to the toilet in time to release the yuckies from their booties. the vomit is another story.. and as you can see from my post the other day about the party.. i was dealing with other kids puke too! oh joy!

pia said...

Michele sent me!

Hope you get the toothpaste consistency at least

Karen said...

Oh man, that's a drag. Hopefully it will be over soon. Well-spoken and clever!

Michele sent me...

shannon said...

Aww, poor little guy.

Last Girl On Earth said...

That is about the GROSSEST thing I've read in days, Prego! And more the reason why you are becoming one of my fave bloggers! Hope this little "problem" clears up soon! Oh, and Happy Christmas, too!

ribbiticus said...

oh man! that was definitely not the highlight of your day. hope your little one feels better by tonight so he can enjoy christmas.

merry christmas, prego! :)

rob said...

Stinky Poopmas, sucka!

Amy said...

Hi there,
Just visiting you from Michele's blog...
I hope your little man feels better soon!

Dave said...

I can remember this so well, in fact far too well. Glad I'm not the only one who has to experience it:-)
Happy Christmas.

Plumkrazzee said...

So sad for baby....but I do love to hear a daddy having to deal with the mess. Equal rights and all.

AverageMom said...

Eww, ewww ewwww!!! Yeah, I've actually stood a child in the tub, pulled off the clothes, and turned on the shower. The clothes went into the garbage, double bagged.

kenju said...

AWWWWW, Poor baby. I hope you get your wish, Prego. And have a wonderful Christmas!

Joe said...

Oh I feel your pain on that one! My one year old has been sick as well!

Oh how parents suffer! lol

Here via Michele today.

Vanessa said...

Oh, your poor little pooper. Hope you get what you've requested and more!

Michele sent me, but I'll be back!

Plain Jane said...

Michele didn't send me this time - here on my own! :)

You know that photo you have, the Hershey's kiss (fondue pot) is the worst fondue pot ever. EVER.

I bet having a sick child is worse than a crappy fondue pot though. :(

Melany said...

Oh no....EWWWWWWW

Mike said...

it is never any fun when the little ones are sick. Hope he gets better soon. Michele sent me.

marcy_peanut said...

HAHAHAHA!
you are a great writer, Prego!
I'm glad I stopped by!

Happy Christmas!

Sue Richards said...

Prego,

Don't think the young man who hit on me was you......he hadn't broken the quarter century mark yet.

Good one just the same.

BTW, as you know, shit happens.

Sue Richards

Chrixean said...

Uhmm... i'm thinking twice about touching the Hershey's Kisses in our chocolate bowl in front of me.... hehe.
Thanks for stopping by my site! My vacation in Cebu was absolutely fun! Have a Merry Christmas!!!

Mary Tsao said...

I hate it when the poo has filled up the diaper and spilled into the jammies. I guess the bathtub is the best place to do the undressing in those cases.

kontan said...

i'm beginning to wonder if anyone was well this year! aaa-aaa-CHOO! 'scuse me. *sniff*

Stephanie Davies said...

That brings back so many memories for me *chuckles* I just had to post a comment as that is the funniest thing I've read in a long time. The great thing about having an 8 year old is being able to point and laugh at parents with younger ones :D Hope it all worked out ;)

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