by Joy X. Noel
Sorry's long reign as the hardest word to utter has finally come to an end. The usurper? Christmas. Long considered the most difficult two-syllable utterance in the English language, Sorry is now no more difficult to express than "f*ck you," and "a*shole" or no more humbling than "I voted for Bush."
"I don't know what the hell happened," Sorry said. "Christmas just came out of nowhere. I mean, it's been around for a few years but now everybody's pussy-footin' around it."
Boston, MA Department of Parks and Recreation officials had a hand in the deposing Sorry by referring to a 48' decorated spruce as a "holiday tree", thus sparking the indignant back-lash of Christians.
"Holiday tree, my ass! That's a f*cking Christmas tree in my book," said Father Seamus O'Toole. "If I ever catch the mother f*cker who decided to call it a "holiday tree" he's going to be sorry he ever met me! We managed to put the kibosh on X-Mas, so don't f*ck with us."
His sentiments aren't alone. Christians nationwide are feeling their "holiday" wrestled from them.
"I was at Target yesterday with a cart full of presents," one distraught Roman Catholic lamented. "I said 'Merry Christmas' and the clerk said 'Happy Holidays,'"
"'What kind of shit is that?' I said. 'Sorry,' was her reply. I left my goods in the checkout aisle."
Store manager Tina Tim remarked "I'm sorry this particular customer was upset, but the Christians have had a foothold on December for some time now. We have lots of Buddhists, Muslims, Jews, agnostics, Wiccans, Hindus, practicers of Santeria and Voo Doo, Zoroastrianists, Shintoists, Confucianists, Jainists, Taoists, Sikhs, Bahá'ísts, Neo-Paganists, Cao Daists, Rastafarians and Scientologists that shop here. We need to respect their beliefs."
One Rastafarian was quoted as saying, "I don' give a sh*t what dey call it, mon. Both parties should light up some spleef, and chill out, mon."
Wiccans disagreed, and have no compunction in taking the Christ out of Christmas.
"Hey, we started this Winter Solstice business," an anonymous local Wiccan stated. "When the Christians pushed their mumbo jumbo on us and burned us at the stake, they didn't say 'sorry' or 'our bad.' That tree idea? That was us. Yule log? Us. Am I sorry they're offended this year? F*ck no." She proceeded to put a hex on Jerry Falwell and Oral Roberts.
As for 'Sorry,' what's next? "I don't know. I'll probably hang out with wife beaters and politicians. They've always had the toughest time with me."
"Merry Christmas, Sorry."
"What the f*ck did you just say to me?"
"Sorry. Happy Holidays."
"That's better, mother f*cker."