20.12.05

'Sorry' Unseated as Hardest Word to Say

by Joy X. Noel

Sorry's long reign as the hardest word to utter has finally come to an end. The usurper? Christmas. Long considered the most difficult two-syllable utterance in the English language, Sorry is now no more difficult to express than "f*ck you," and "a*shole" or no more humbling than "I voted for Bush."

"I don't know what the hell happened," Sorry said. "Christmas just came out of nowhere. I mean, it's been around for a few years but now everybody's pussy-footin' around it."

Boston, MA Department of Parks and Recreation officials had a hand in the deposing Sorry by referring to a 48' decorated spruce as a "holiday tree", thus sparking the indignant back-lash of Christians.

"Holiday tree, my ass! That's a f*cking Christmas tree in my book," said Father Seamus O'Toole. "If I ever catch the mother f*cker who decided to call it a "holiday tree" he's going to be sorry he ever met me! We managed to put the kibosh on X-Mas, so don't f*ck with us."

His sentiments aren't alone. Christians nationwide are feeling their "holiday" wrestled from them.

"I was at Target yesterday with a cart full of presents," one distraught Roman Catholic lamented. "I said 'Merry Christmas' and the clerk said 'Happy Holidays,'"

"'What kind of shit is that?' I said. 'Sorry,' was her reply. I left my goods in the checkout aisle."


Store manager Tina Tim remarked "I'm sorry this particular customer was upset, but the Christians have had a foothold on December for some time now. We have lots of Buddhists, Muslims, Jews, agnostics, Wiccans, Hindus, practicers of Santeria and Voo Doo, Zoroastrianists, Shintoists, Confucianists, Jainists, Taoists, Sikhs, Bahá'ísts, Neo-Paganists, Cao Daists, Rastafarians and Scientologists that shop here. We need to respect their beliefs."


One Rastafarian was quoted as saying, "I don' give a sh*t what dey call it, mon. Both parties should light up some spleef, and chill out, mon."

Wiccans disagreed, and have no compunction in taking the Christ out of Christmas.

"Hey, we started this Winter Solstice business," an anonymous local Wiccan stated. "When the Christians pushed their mumbo jumbo on us and burned us at the stake, they didn't say 'sorry' or 'our bad.' That tree idea? That was us. Yule log? Us. Am I sorry they're offended this year? F*ck no." She proceeded to put a hex on Jerry Falwell and Oral Roberts.


As for 'Sorry,' what's next? "I don't know. I'll probably hang out with wife beaters and politicians. They've always had the toughest time with me."

"Merry Christmas, Sorry."

"What the f*ck did you just say to me?"

"Sorry. Happy Holidays."

"That's better, mother f*cker."

39 comments:

Jacques Roux said...

If I weren't a regular subscriber, I'd say you co-opted that from the Onion. But then again, I've read your stuff and know for a fact that you aren't THAT retarded. Funny stuff.

Now take your "sorry" and "Happy Holidays" and cram 'em up your gaseous ass!!

Merry friggin' Xmas!

Plumkrazzee said...

Famous Dave's is a rib joint...and per the Paris Hilton comment: You men are all alike. =P

katie said...

Holy crap, that was good. Really good. Thanks for the laugh.

Claire said...

I don't get this whole Happy Holidays thing that's taking over the States. Here it's Christmas. Christmas is the celebration of the birth of Christ. It's a Christian holiday. We call Ramadan, Ramadan and respect the beliefs of those who observe it, we call Chanukkah by it's name and respect those who observe it. Christmas is on a bigger scale but that's because England is a Christian country so we observe Christian holidays as our public holidays. I just don't understand what all the hooha is in the States with regards to religious holidays, they are what they are, call them by their name and get on with life...it's too short!

Claire said...

Forgot to say - here via Michele's...sorry about the rant didn't realise I went on quite so much!

Meghan said...

Happy solstice. Tomorrow, that is.

Freaking Wiccans.
And we really should call it a PAGAN tree.

and regarding your comment today. No worries at all. Your occasionally crass and inappropriate comments are always obviously well intended and almost always elicit a laugh. Usually a big one.

darwin said...

This may tickle your fancy then.

http://www.blog.ca/index.php/darwinsmoustache/2005/12/15/la_href_http_today_reuters_com_news_news~388376

darwin said...

Lets try that again....

link

Plain Jane said...

Ha! Ha! I JUST got into a debate with my Dad today about this very topic! In particular, the "Holiday Tree" that he's always called the Christmas tree. I had to remind him that "Christmas" was formerly a Pagan holiday and what did he care - it's not like he buys into the whole Christ thing anyhow. He sorta shut up after that. *laughs*

Mmm... Famous Dave's Devil's Spit Burger... *drool*

Plain Jane said...

Oh yeah, just for the fun of it:

http://www.historychannel.com/exhibits/holidays/christmas/trees.html

AverageMom said...

I have a set of wooden Christmas blocks as decorations. I arrange them to say things like "Joyeux Noel" or "Merry Christmas". Hubby rearranges them when I'm not looking to say things like "Shitmas" or "Sexy".

Chatty said...

LMAO...you crack me up! I can't remember how I originally found you...Michele probably. I am so glad I did!

Bitchet said...

Who's Michelle and why isn't she sending people to my blog???

Melany said...

It's still Christmas in good old South Africa

Aginoth said...

Happy Yuletide...and as it's winter solstice that is actually accurate ;o)

Michele sent me

Claire said...

Hi, here from Michele's again today!

Joan said...

You are positively hilarious, and I will have to stop by repeatedly in the future!

Thanks for visiting my blog today - if nobody guesses the answers to the middle 2 riddles, I'll post them in the comments in a day or so. Enjoy befuddling your students!

OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

What's really strange is, some people have always said Happy Holidays before all this stupidness, and nobody thought a thing about it! There seems to be an urgent conspiracy here about this question brought up by people I don't really trust. You say what you say! No SORRY about it!

Here from Michele today.

kenju said...

Funny, Prego.

Michele sent me.

Sandy said...

Ha! Love it.

Anonymouse said...

For Christ's sake, it's CHRISTMAS!!!!!!

If Frank Zappa was alive today, he'd frickin' die!!!!

This is absurd. A Christmas tree is a Christmas tree. It represents Christmas! Don't take the CHRIST out of Christmas because people are offended; just add a little bit of everyone's holiday to the mix!

DOES ANYONE REMEMBER THE REASONS CHRISTIANS ARE CELEBRATING?? It's a birthday party, man! For JC. Can I call it a 'birthday party', or should I just call it a day and celebrate in my own corner of the room.

People need to lighten up. I'm one of the most ecumenical people I know and I don't have a problem with people saying 'Happy Holidays'. I do have a problem with people calling a Christmas tree a Holiday Tree. That's like saying poor people are pissed because they can't afford a Jaguar, so if you have a Jaguar you're going to have to call it a Pinto so as not to offend anyone.


As usual, excellent post! :)

Michele sent me

Alisha said...

Honest to Santa, that was brilliant! Here from Michele's, but I'll be back!!!

BTW, Merry X-Mas, Mo*her Fu*ker!!!

Dak-Ind said...

LMAO, thanks for the giggle, i needed one!

merry christmas!

michele sent me

Jennifer said...

Here from Michele's. Nice to meetcha! :)

Deana said...

It'll always just be Christmas to me. Michele sent me.

Swedish Girl said...

You're very X, I see.

WendyWings said...

Michele sent me. I don't care what anyone says it will always be Christmas here.
Pretty funny piece :)

margalit said...

I just wish people wouldn't say anything other than THANK YOU when you go to a store. I don't ever want to hear Merry Christmas again because it isn't my holiday and I don't give a shit about it. My holidays are in the fall, the ones that are important to me, and I hate that people equate Chanukah with Christmas. It's not even close. It's a very minor holiday with little to celebrate other than lighting a candle each night. So I'm so over Christmas, but you can't win. The Christian right is going to make a big deal out of happy holidays because it's yet another way to keep the focus off Iraq and our corrupt white house.

Michele sent me. Blame her for my rant.

Janet said...

Merry Christmas :-)

Hi, Michele sent me!

utenzi said...

Michele sent me over, Prego.

Sorry is making quite a comeback with George W using it twice in a week. Well, kinda sorta. I suspect he still uses Christmas though

Dumbass Reporter said...

Hey Prego, you sent me! Happy Holidays!

Um...

Sorry

HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS! Hope shouting that in caps patched things up between us, but if not, sorry!

The Cryer said...

ROFL! Great post!!

Michele sent me and I enjoyed my stay!!

Happy Holidays -- ;)

kenju said...

Thanks for the visit, Prego. You should save corks, because they are being replaced by synthetic cork and the real ones will be very valuable some day. I have a big jar of the real ones.

Plumkrazzee said...

Um, Hellllooo. HINT HINT HINT.

Courtney said...

Merry Christmas.
Michele sent me.

Courtney said...

Yes, Prego, I'm one of those nasty punk rawkers. In fact, back in my Flickr feed is a picture of me, in my Minutemen documentary t-shirt ("We Jam Econo"), hanging out with Bob Mould.

See you around the meet and greet.

Last Girl On Earth said...

That was the best Prego! I'm sorry, but that was JUST THE BEST! Now happy WHATEVER! I think the Rastafarian's had it right. People just love to get in a huff about just about anything these days. Life's to short! Now I'm going to wrap up my WHATEVER presents and slap around a couple of elves! And come on over. I answered your question. (Merry Christmas!)

Carmen said...

That was really, really good. Thanks for the early morning laugh.

Michele sent me.;)

Zen Wizard said...

The tree actually kind of "works" for me, on a post-modern, Frank Lloyd Wright, less-is-more level.