17.12.05

I've found my calling


I had an epiphany at Blockbuster today. (Shit... Here I am again with the corporate behemoths. At least I didn't rear-end any of the patrons). Anyway, After dinner, my wife sent me out to get a movie. As I made my way around the crowded store, I started feeling a bit distended and gassy. I peeked around the store to see where I could inflict the least possible olfactory trauma. I headed straight for the Foreign Films.

I am gassier than a propane tank. Just call me Gaseous Clay. I work with intestinal gases the way Yo Yo Ma works with a fiddle. My wife and kids no longer have nostril hairs because of me. As an expert, I thought I'd share some of my fail-proof methods of covert crop dusting.

1. Always drop one near babies or large dogs. They can't defend themselves or rat you out. The mother will likely check the diaper, thus distracting her just long enough for you to make a clean getaway undetected. Additionally, it MUST be a dog. Cats do not work. I once farted in the bed of a new girlfriend. The next day I told my friend Marcel about it.

"Did you blame the cat?" he asked.
"She's got a f*cking cat, dude. Not a mountain lion."

2. Make your way over to the fragrance section of the department store your wife/girlfriend/warden took you to. Spray the Chanel, the Halston or anything by Liz Taylor (anything that crusty shill endorses has just got to smell like shit.)

3. Walk in one door of KFC and out the other. The smell of frying grease is to ass what paper is to rock (or scissor to paper or something...). Do not get anything to eat, lest you compound the problem.

4. Always carry around an El Marko or other potent brand of markers. Sharpies are only good if you're going to write for a while. An El Marko will cover your tracks as soon as you uncap it. Pretend you're writing a phone number down, or crossing off from your grocery list.

5. Find the drunkest asshole in the bar, release gas and then wrinkle your nose and look around. Ladies, do not find the "skank-ass 'ho" you hate to try to pull this one off. It has to be a guy. You're going for authenticity & high-probability - NOT vengeance or spite.

6. Kathy Ireland's candles do more than add ambiance. Keep this in mind for any romantic moment you might jeopardize. Light as many of those as possible and of course, use matches. Phosphorous works much better than butane.

7. Start developing a taste for durian fruit. Find out if it's available locally.

8. Shop exclusively at WalMart. The body odor and stale cigarette smell of all the sketchy customers will deaden the senses of anyone who might care. Hell, they're probably blasting Dinty Moore fumes that would knock YOUR socks off.

9. Take a melted Snickers bar and Jell-O pudding cup - mix carefully and rub on the bottom of your sneakers. Let one go, then look at the bottom of the aforementioned footwear... puzzled and mutter, "Aw, Mannnnn!"

10. If none of these methods are possible for you, own up to it. Take some pride in your crapsmanship. Try uttering some of these light-hearted ice breakers.
"Phew. I'm on death row."
"King of Beers, my ass."
"I'm sorry guys. My mom made a pot of pasta fagioli."

32 comments:

Carmi said...

I have to stop reading before I wet my chair. This is classic!

surcie said...

Lord, this is funny.

I was reminded that when I used to work at a wonderful, "high-end" independent bookstore, certain sections of the store always smelled farty to me--Sports, Computers, Business. Men!

Minerva said...

Marvellous! I loved the marker pen one especially as being a teacher it is so useful..

And the durian..I grew up in Malaysia and we weren't allowed on the aeroplane with durian...

Michele sent me..

Minerva

kontan said...

BAHAHAH! I have tears ROLLING down my facing dripping on the table and my abs hurt! that was great!

highly amused and here via michele!

Bhakti said...

This is one of the funniest things I have EVER read; especially because EVERYONE has been in the 'where do I let it go' predicament! Oh my gosh.

I was visiting my cousin and I couldn't help it, I guess I had probably just eaten Indian food or something, and I just let one puff out. I was alone in the room with her 6 month old son. She walked into the room and wrinkled her nose. I said, "I think S. needs a diaper change." She undid his diaper and it was clean. Then she looked at me and said, "Tell me you didn't just try to blame that odor on my son!!" ROFLMAO. I'm actually a very classy kind of gal (most of the time), but I had to tell this story. I hope you don't think less of me now!!

BTW, Michele sends her regards.

P.S. I love foreign films. I'm really glad I just switched from Blockbuster to Netflix!!!!

kenju said...

All too funny! At least you will admit it, when most men I know try to blame it on me.

Michele sent me. You are a funny guy, Prego!

Kat said...

From now on, I'll read you every day. Absolutely hilarious.

Carmi said...

Hi Prego. I just posted the text of the column directly to the blog. More details in the comments section on my site, but long story short, here's the link to the original column:

http://writteninc.blogspot.com/2004/09/publish-day-hockey-silliness.html

Happy reading!

Bitchet said...

Your post had me thinking about the movie Along Came Polly when the guy who still thinks he's a big actor "SHARTED" and Ben Stiller is like "Sharted, huh?"
"It's a shit fart!" Too funny! An entire post needs to be dedicated to what to do when one "shit farts"!

Plumkrazzee said...

Loved number 4. What is in those things anyhow, Gaseous Clay....bwahhaahah!

Marcia said...

Hahaha!

I can't let my damn husband read this, he'd be all about your failproof method!

Carmi said...

Y'know, this entry underscores the sad reality of today's video stores: they're reminiscent of ass to begin with.

ribbiticus said...

excellent suggestions! you should write a book on this. you'll earn millions! lol! love that one about kfc...hahaha!

scrappintwinmom said...

Hysterical. Even more funny since I call my husband Gasseous Clay. And yes, Liz Taylor's perfume is nasty. MIL wears it (or rather, bathes in it) and its just awful. Thanks for stopping by my place! To answer your question, the South American band was this awful thing with flutes and crap...Peruvian, maybe? Ecuadorian? awful awful...

kenju said...

Prego, I had to come adn tell you that I referenced you in my comment to Surcie; I still have Peter Max posters from the 60's!

Joe said...

Interesting.

Here via Michele.

mar said...

First time here! Michele sent me your way to have a good laugh.

Jessica said...

here via michele, I'm laughing my ass off now, thanks to you!!

Pearl said...

That's the most exhaustive list I've ever seen for such an explosive issue. ;-) But if you ever came here, our cat could cover for ya. And she's not even a mountain-lion...

Michele sent me.

OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

Very Very Funny and pretty disgusting too for morning reading..I just had breakfast! (LOL)..
I must remember all of these suggestions...Have you considered publishing a slim handbook on this subject? Or, was this it! Delightful, Prego.

I'm here fro Michele, this A.M. Oooops, it just turned Afternoon Here In L.A.

Plain Jane said...

You owe me a mouthful of coffee and a cleaner keyboard. #5 rules.

One for the women? Just travel with a man all the time. You know you have a "keeper" when you accidently slip in public and he takes full ownership of it.

kenju said...

Michele sent me back, Prego. I heard a joke recently about three things you must do when you get older; one of them was "Never trust a fart". aaaMaybe they should have said "shart"!

Dak-Ind said...

LMAO, this is WONDERFUL... im going to "borrow" it and send it to my son via email. he once told me that he doesnt worry about being kidnapped because he can fart on demand... he called me one sunday mornign to explain how his dad had to roll down the windows at the drive in movie theatre... i asked him "did you take your shoes off!?!" he replies "nope... KFC" when i did the mom "huh" thing he let me know that he ate at KFC and boy was he GASSY! his dad watched the movie from the hood of the car.

he will LOVE this.

michele sent me.

Mary Tsao said...

Nice list! Thanks for the advice. I had a friend once who told me he wanted to invent a device that could contain farts. I told him it had already been invented -- it's called a blanket!

Red Guitar said...

Prego,

I ripped one in your living room last weekend.It was silent but violent. It even disturbed me. I'm surprised you or your brother didn't say anything. I figured I had your kids as an alibi.

I also find that gas lingers longer when wearing corduroy.

Crazy MomCat said...

It is hard to admit it, truly. But, I have a 7th grader sense of humor and this fart disguising stuff, well it just cracked me up TOTALLY. Glad I stopped by and SO GLAD I have never run into you at a blockbuster!

Meghan said...

Hey Prego,

I need your e mail address to solicit some material for a mommybloggers interview with Mary Tsao.

e mail me at meghan_townsend@hotmail.com

Melany said...

LOL!! This is hysterical!

jfh said...

Prego, is it possible you have celiac disease? If you are Italian and haven't already been checked, you should do that soon (for the sake of your family's olfactories, if nothing else). I heard (or read) that all Italian kids have to be checked before they can enter first grade in Italy, since celiac is so common among Italians. Sorry for focusing on a downer look at your very funny writing..again.

emaleejayne said...

My mom used to blame the noise on something she called a Barking Spider. She'd say she stepped on it.

Joan said...

Since I visited your "Sorry" post yesterday (via Michele's), thought I'd comment on this one today (also via Michele's).

I swear, I have no idea where you come up with this stuff, but it's hilarious. I'm at work, though, so I better be careful about how loud I laugh!

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