I've found my calling
I had an epiphany at Blockbuster today. (Shit... Here I am again with the corporate behemoths. At least I didn't rear-end any of the patrons). Anyway, After dinner, my wife sent me out to get a movie. As I made my way around the crowded store, I started feeling a bit distended and gassy. I peeked around the store to see where I could inflict the least possible olfactory trauma. I headed straight for the Foreign Films.
I am gassier than a propane tank. Just call me Gaseous Clay. I work with intestinal gases the way Yo Yo Ma works with a fiddle. My wife and kids no longer have nostril hairs because of me. As an expert, I thought I'd share some of my fail-proof methods of covert crop dusting.
1. Always drop one near babies or large dogs. They can't defend themselves or rat you out. The mother will likely check the diaper, thus distracting her just long enough for you to make a clean getaway undetected. Additionally, it MUST be a dog. Cats do not work. I once farted in the bed of a new girlfriend. The next day I told my friend Marcel about it.
"Did you blame the cat?" he asked.
"She's got a f*cking cat, dude. Not a mountain lion."
2. Make your way over to the fragrance section of the department store your wife/girlfriend/warden took you to. Spray the Chanel, the Halston or anything by Liz Taylor (anything that crusty shill endorses has just got to smell like shit.)
3. Walk in one door of KFC and out the other. The smell of frying grease is to ass what paper is to rock (or scissor to paper or something...). Do not get anything to eat, lest you compound the problem.
4. Always carry around an El Marko or other potent brand of markers. Sharpies are only good if you're going to write for a while. An El Marko will cover your tracks as soon as you uncap it. Pretend you're writing a phone number down, or crossing off from your grocery list.
5. Find the drunkest asshole in the bar, release gas and then wrinkle your nose and look around. Ladies, do not find the "skank-ass 'ho" you hate to try to pull this one off. It has to be a guy. You're going for authenticity & high-probability - NOT vengeance or spite.
6. Kathy Ireland's candles do more than add ambiance. Keep this in mind for any romantic moment you might jeopardize. Light as many of those as possible and of course, use matches. Phosphorous works much better than butane.
7. Start developing a taste for durian fruit. Find out if it's available locally.
8. Shop exclusively at WalMart. The body odor and stale cigarette smell of all the sketchy customers will deaden the senses of anyone who might care. Hell, they're probably blasting Dinty Moore fumes that would knock YOUR socks off.
9. Take a melted Snickers bar and Jell-O pudding cup - mix carefully and rub on the bottom of your sneakers. Let one go, then look at the bottom of the aforementioned footwear... puzzled and mutter, "Aw, Mannnnn!"
10. If none of these methods are possible for you, own up to it. Take some pride in your crapsmanship. Try uttering some of these light-hearted ice breakers.
"Phew. I'm on death row."
"King of Beers, my ass."
"I'm sorry guys. My mom made a pot of pasta fagioli."