Mozart No Longa da Shiznit:
or Eurocentrism Gets its Ass Capped

ST. PAUL, MN - Move over Wolfgang, here comes Bootsy! Researchers at McNally Smith College have found that a steady diet of Parliament - Funkadelic has a direct correlation with the development of the same neurons purportedly developed by the music of Mozart. According to Dr. Funkenstein, "One blast of da bop gun will sho' -ly splank da funkless. Da flashlight has an interconnection with both funkentelechy and da same sh*t dat makes mutha f*ckas good at math."

Music stores can't keep enough copies in stock after the report was published in the Journal of the American Medical Association. Sales of "Uncle Jam Wants You," and "Cosmic Slop" have "torn the roofs" off of record stores as parents scramble to empower their newborns with the Law of Supergroovalisticprosifunkstication.

New mother Jennifer Whitney commented, "I played nothing but Mozart for my two other children. Sure, they can add, but the throbassonic realm is completely lost on them. They're completely robotic and they follow directions pretty well, but my newborn is completely different. He can not only add, but he's got a precocious development of self-satisfunktion, and he's popular as sh*t with the honey dips around da way."

For every gain, though, there are some risks. Doctors at the Methodist Hospital Family Birth Center have reported high instances of breech births, attributed to repeated listenings of Maggot Brain. Apparently some fetuses are taking the couplet "Free your mind and your ass will follow" quite literally. There are also scattered reports of jivation through logic, which experts fear drive mothers into perpetual do-loop or deep snooze.

Dr. Funkenstein, however, stands by his findings. "Thumpasorus Peoples knowes that pure uncut funk perpetuates wholeness and metafoolish perfunktion. Funk it, man. Rise above all spankic situations." Parents seem to have taken heed, decorating nurseries and cribs with a Mothership motif.

Mrs. Whitney also remains completely committed to her Motor Booty affair. "Funk the Wiggles, dog. I'm down wit' Mr. Wiggles the Worm," referring to the subaquatic, ultrasonic, sembionic Clone of Dr. Funkenstein. "I'm off the Eine Kleine Nachtmusik for good. A little night music? Please. My funkateers are in the prime zone of Funkativity."

Students of the Suzuki strings are even getting a primer on the downstroke, becoming a collective cathartic mass moving towards motor-vation. Suzuki instructor Ella McNalt comments "We're all strugglin' to attain the P-Funk and revitalize our juices. You feel me, dog?"

It seems a lot of people do.

Thanks to in part to www.georgeclinton.com for their useful "funkcyclopedia.


Mary Tsao said...

HA! Dr. Funkenstein, I'll take one of your posts over an electric spank any day! There's no woo here!

Damn, I sound like such a cracker.

~A~ said...

With my long standing record of never reading a parenting book or article, I must pass on this new fad to funkify children.

I know I know, I'm such a horrid mother for denying my children a chance to gain brilliance. But I can't help it; I'm about as honky white as honky white can be although I can dance with my clothes on.

But having this need to go against the experts I must teach my kids to shout out, "Let's go burn down funky town!" along with "Club a seal!" and "Michael Moore is a hack!"

bschneider5 said...

Nice Dreads!

Claire said...

I think I'd prefer Mozart!

Prego said...

You're not alone, Claire. That's kind of my point.

Meghan said...

Is that cat from St. Paul MN? We are rather above average around these parts. Now I know why.

Madge and I will be gettin' our groove on in the hood with some choney's and zoo-zoos. We'll pick up some crimeys and snap the chain and doo-wop our bunkies signature moves. Thanks for the 411. Peace out.

Meghan said...

OH! and my daughter was born at Methodist hospital, which is further evindence of her intellectual superiority. Your fact checking cuts the mustard.

Plain Jane said...

I have no response. Except laughter.