The Puppy That Shat
By Dr. 'Soose'
(The following's been inspired by my son's potty mouth and the 38 lbs. of dog feces I just carted into the trash can after months of procrastination. Other titles I considered were "Curtis Leaves a Log," "Brown Poo, Green Poo on my Two Shoes" and "She Sees Feces.")
I was once wild and carefree and young
I lived in a house with a yard free of dung
It was my bright idea to bring home a mutt
From the Second Chance Boxer (Should have kept my mouth shut).
"It'd be great for the kids," I convinced my dear wife
"Just remember," she said, "it's a commitment for life.
She grew up with dogs. I went without puppies
Instead I had cats, birds, cockroaches and guppies.
I had no idea what a dog would entail
'He'll bring my my newspaper, slippers and mail.
I'll take him for walks. He'll scare away thieves.
Romp through the yard, jumping into fall leaves.'
After months' worth of begging she finally relented
We brought home the dog and my heart was contented.
The kids took a shine to him. Curtis, they named him.
It's taken monumentous efforts to tame him.
He jumps on our visitors, counters and tables
Eats the kids' toys and chews on the cables
He rarely obeys nor does he bring me the news
All he does is bark, eats his kibbles and poos.
My four-year old son asked me "What rhymes with poo?"
"Well, let's see son. There's shoe..." "And canoe!"
Said my wife as she stood in the kitchen
"And zoo," she would add 'fore she started the bitchin'.
"It's nice out, you know, and the yard's full of poo.
It's something a decent pet owner should do.
He's run out of room to heed nature's call
Do you care for this poor beast's welfare at all?"
In an attempt to ignore her, as I'm apt to do
I continued to think of more rhyme words for 'poo'
"There's 'clue' my dear son, and also 'ah-choo'
And the literary hero, 'Mr. Magoo.'"
"Quit stalling," said my spouse from the sink.
"The neighbors will no doubt complain of the stink."
I must admit I get ill from such messes.
Though I change many diapers and clean O.P.S.S.-es
(Thats 'Other People's Shit Streaks' in the toilet. GOOD GUESSES!)
I puttered about, dreading the task to be done
Wallowing in shit's not my idea of fun
I'd walked him and fed him... played with him when sober,
But the yard I'd not de-pooped since October.
'It's got to be done,' I thought with a sigh,
Lest the shit pile up to my two year old's thigh.
I gulped down my adams apple and started to gag
As I pondered what I was to put in that bag.
I was hoping the Cat in the Hat would come to assist.
"That's all you, bro" said the Cat. "I bury my shit.
The same goes for my friends Thing One and Thing Two
There's no way we're helping you clean up that poo."
It's been a mild winter, I'd be pressed to lament
I put on my boots - and to the yard I went
Wishing I had 'Va-poo-rize', from that old Jack Black flick
The yard was all muddied, with dog turds and sticks.
I thought they'd disintegrate, freeze or congeal
I lacked the entusiasm, spirit and zeal
When I found them all sloppy, and almost intact
I almost passed out... that is a fact.
The task, I began it like a good little soldier
What I found in the yard? You wouldn't believe it if I told you.
Some of the turds were ground into the dirt
There were fragments of toys, and the remains of a shirt.
What this dog has eaten, I can't possibly know
Along with his dog food? Well, it might be Play-Doh.
I couldn't help but admire how we'd all been bested
As I looked at the goodies he'd only half-digested.
Some turds were like nuggets, others crumbled like dust
One looked like salt. Believe me you must.
The afternoon dragged as did the bag full of shit
I looked 'round the yard. "Can this really be it?
"I'm finished," I yelled to my wife in the kitchen.
"I've cleaned it all up, now please stop your bitching."
The yard was all clean, free from shit, crap or poo.
For how many days? Maybe one? Maybe two?