Prurient Martyr Gets Restraining Order

St. Valentine got a slap in the wrist this morning after St. Peter got numerous complaints from several women in Heaven.

"All I wanted was a little 'tang, dog," he told authorities, as they warned him to cease his lascivious activities. "It's been over 1500 years." St. Valentine went as far as to describe the Heavenly lasses as "tight-ass prudes," and "self-righteous holy rollers."

St. Peter explained that the deities in charge were a little lenient on Valentine considering he gave his head for Christianity, but that Valentine's behaviour was out of line. "That hippie 'free-love' crap is not tolerated here. This is a beatific afterlife we're running here. The Jehovas can freely pet their lions here and we have a foosball table, but we expect righteous conduct and eternal servitude from our denizen. If you don't like our arrangements, there's always that other place."

The possibility of getting the heave-ho from Heaven was apparently enough to warrant curbing his unwanted advances. "I'm good. I heard Reagan and Satan have got a whole mess of sh*t to f*ck with you down there. Granted,the hottest pooter's in Hell, but the flaying and red-hot pokers just ain't worth it. Then there's the eternal reaming. I'm open to a little experimenting, but my joint's strictly an 'exit' only."

Lucifer resents such accusations. "Torture? Suffering? That's all hype. Those sanctimonious bastards have been hating on our good times for eons. We're just chillin' down here, trying to get by. Yo. Valentine, you walk with us, you walk tall."

Valentine is not buying it, claiming that such reports came from reliable sources. Though Valentine agreed to abide by the rules, he confided, "I knew I should have gone Muslim. I'd take 70 virgins over these frigid teases anyday. Now that's an afterlife. Jesus ought to take notes from them brothers there."

Jesus could not be reached for comment.


Amy said...


And a Happy Valentines Day to you too!

AverageMom said...

Tee hee! Good story! I like it much better than the general cupid crap. Not a fan of Valentine's day.

Viamarie said...

Happy Valentine's Day!!!

Carmi said...

Nice spin on an otherwise-tired holiday. You might start a trend here: innovative takes on yawnathons.

You always make this stuff fun. Thanks for that!

Jacques Roux said...

figures, those neocons never have anything to say about their mistakes.

Jacques Roux said...
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