24.5.06

Top 10 Songs I'd Be Happy to Never Hear Again.

Periodically, as you peruse the dial on your radio, you stumble upon a classic such as "Don't Fear the Reaper" by Blue Öyster Cult, "Downtown," by Petula Clark or "Oh Babe, What Would You Say?" by Hollywood Smith. You might think to yourself, "God damn, I'm glad somebody wrote that song."

Songs like "Fox on the Run" creep up occasionally, as you fumble hurriedly past a putrid new Goo Goo Dolls ballad.

"'Iris'? Faaaaaaahk!" (swerve. screeeechhhhh. pounding heartbeat.) '(crackle) You think you've got a pretty faaaace... but the rest of you is out of plaaaaace....'

"Aaaaaah." (smooth driving resumes.)

Hell, I'll even take a f*cking Burt Bacharach slap in the face once in a while. It's hit or miss on the radio (unless you live in the Bible Belt, in which case it's all miss). What follows here is a brief list of songs that instantly send the synapses firing, ordering my index finger to thwart an auditory atrocity on the car stereo.

(Click. Crackkkle bwooeeeooo.... Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap.)
10. "Can You Feel The Love Tonight" Elton John - While "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road" still brings nostalgic lachrymal fluid to my eyes, this song I can simply do without. An over-wrought effort by a talented(?) artist looking to cash in on royalties from a Disney Soundtrack. Very insulting.

(Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap.)

9. "She's in Love with the Boy" Trisha Yearwood - If you have to run away to get married, you're either a 16 year old inbred about to marry your 3rd cousin, or a selfish idiot who doesn't take advice well. I also abhor the use of 'hayseed plough boy' in a feeble effort to add some backwoods legitimacy.

(Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap.)

8. "San Francisco (Wear Some Flowers In Your Hair)" Scott McKenzie - Why is this song even on the air anymore? Please, if you live in San Francisco (Mary Tsao, I'm looking in your direction) please pistol-whip anybody that heeds this vapid rally cry.

(Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap.)

7. "Candy Girl" Frankie Valli - This dago's screeching falsetto might have been all the rage in 1960s Newark, but it's about as palatable these days as a sh*t sandwich.

(Tap.)

6. "I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles)" The Proclaimers - When I wake up, your ass better be at least five-hundred miles in the other direction. I don't care if homeboy Johnny Depp and your twin brother got yo' back, either.

( Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap.)

5. "Snowblind" Styx - Nothing makes the spinal cord shudder more than visions of 70s hessians penning this lame-ass homage to coca.

Dennis DeYoung: "Mirror mirror on the walllllll...."
J.Y. Young: "Far out. Let's do a line."

(Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap.)

4. "Stairway to Heaven" Led Zeppelin - Probably the first, foremost and primary reason I'm the only male music fan on the planet that can't stand the Zep. I hear if you play this song backwards it still sucks.

(Tap. Tap.)

3. "Bitch" Meredith Brooks - Bitch, give me that guitar back before you hurt yourself.

(Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap.)

2. "Calendar Girl" Neil Sedaka - If only for the haunting visions of old henpecked white dudes singing along with this abomniation on PBS. I can only imagine myself in thirty years, if I still have a pulse, sitting next to my beloved singing "Every morning there's a halo hangin' from the corner of my girlfriend's four post bed..." at the Sugar Ray reunion of 2039

(Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap.)

1. Sh*t... where do I go from here? "Inagadda da Vida"? "Come to My Window"? "Bark at the Moon"? "R.O.C.K. in the U.S.A."? "Keep on Rockin in the Free World"? "Come As You Are"? "The National Anthem of Uruguay"? "You're Momma Don't Dance and Your Daddy Don't Rock and Roll"? "Danke Schöen"?

(Fwip. Smashhhhh skkrrrrrrtzzzzz. Silence)

8 comments:

Dave said...

Well I'd agree with most of them and add any song by http://www.thesweet.com/

Might have an arguement with you on 8 and 4. One is vapid drivel but it sums up an era to many of 'a certain age' and you're just wrong on number 4 :-)

Atul said...

I have to agree on 10, 6, and 3, but I do like the Zeppelin song.

~A~ said...

What? Nights in White Satin doesn't make the list? *sniff*

I have found myself listing to this station lately. Most of the time they're doin' alright, but there are times when I find myself chasing the vicodin with the Knob Creek.

srp said...

I'd get rid of those songs that stick in your head and won't leave. Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer is stuck in mine.
Here from Michele.

Robin said...

WTF?? What radio station are you even listening to that would play ANY of these? I mean, some of these are seriously old and you have to hear a song every now and again to be reminded of how much you hate it, don't you?? I would have to say that any of the catchy songs that bought some idiot 15 minutes in the past decade would be on my list: "The Macarena", "Who let the Dogs Out", "Mambo #5", etc...

Mary Tsao said...

IF YOU ARE GOING TO SAN FRANCISCO BE SURE TO WEAR SOME FLOWERS IN YOUR HAIR. IF YOU ARE GOING TO SAN FRANCISCO YOU'RE GONNA MEET SOME GENTLE PEOPLE THERE.

Okay, I get it. That song makes you want to yank some long hair's eyes out, but c'mon, you're gonna mess with the legend that is the rock anthem of "Stairway to Heaven?" Are you crazy? As if you've never seduced some poor girl to that tune. Pleeeaasse. You probably owe your loss of virginity to that song. Harumph.

But please add "Cross-eyed Mary" to your list. I hate that song for obvious reasons.

panthergirl said...

That song about the Christmas Shoes!!!!!!! OMG....i'd rather stick needles in my eyes than ever hear that song again!

Ally said...

Your forgot "We built this city" by Starship. Aaaaargh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!