6.6.06

Another Successful Diagnosis, Doc!

Every once in a while I have to make forth with an apology. A few months ago it was the baristas that got the p-p-p-painful "I am sorry," from me. This time around, it's my old friend, the infinitesimal c*cksucker of 'beep-beep' fame. You know the one. The goddamned "Me-first", irate, ungracious, puppy kicking tight-fartholed driver from last week's marathon. The one who was in such a hurry that he couldn't wait for the racers to pass before he crossed the light and instead decided to blare the horn and shout expletives.

It turns out he is not an ornery, mean, sh*tty old man that I'd like to put *ss first atop the slicer at the meat/deli department of Wegmans supermarket (on the wafer-thin setting). It turns out this miserable f*ck is a victim of "intermittent explosive disorder" (or IED for short). It's brought to you by the same eggheads that diagnosed ADHD.

That's right... The run of the mill a**hole no longer exists. Remember the kid who threw the football in your face during a heated argument in seventh grade? IED. That girl you dated who threw a mug of hot coffee in your direction when she found out you were only sleeping with her so you could move in on her hot roommate? IED. That ex-husband of yours that clubbed you over the head with a rubber mallet when the Buffalo Bills got bounced from the fourth consecutive Super Bowl? A**hole IED.

Let's take a second to reflect at all the injustices we've levied on these poor souls -- restraining orders, 15 day jail stints coupled with a sixteen week anger management course, lethal injections, divorces, physical retribution, blanket parties and job termination -- and give them a heartfelt apology. We're sorry. We didn't know you were a completely unbearable malcontent with a propensity for violent outbursts because of an abnormal "left hemisphere of the brain" and a couple of faulty brain cells. We just thought you were a plain ol' a**hole.

So when you call up your kid's shrink in Beverly Hills*...
You know the one... Dr. Everything'll be All right...
Instead of asking him how much of your time is left
Ask him how much of your mind, baby

'Cuz in this life
Things are much harder than in the afterworld
In this life
You're on your own

And if the elevator tries to bring you down...
go cray-zee....


Like all of our society's ills, 'tain't nothin' a few pills can't resolve.

* May result in rectal bleeding.

29 comments:

rob said...

Usually I laugh at your posts, but I gotta say, this one ain't funny.

I'm a victim of Intermittent Explosive Disorder. It's a real issue. Especially the day after I wash down a sixer of Pabst with a Denny's Moons Over My-Hammy. I get really intermittently explosive then.

Ugh...not pretty.

No...I am not just an asshole. I am an asshole with a lot of stuff coming out of it. Explosively.

Please be more sensitive in the future...

...asshole.

~A~ said...

Yeah, I have to side with my bro on this one. Only I remember his ED to be more than intermittent. But the ass in the car, he doesn't have true ED, diarrhea of the mouth doesn't cut it.

I think you owe Rob an apology before I kick your ass. After my nap.

Prego said...

No sympathies from me, pinches.

Every pendejo knows that nothing binds you up like a steady diet of refried bean burritos washed down with a frosty Dos Equis.

Baylen Linnekin said...

Excellent. And for what it's worth, I dig Linus, but I'm more of a Rerun van Pelt fan.

Tracie said...

What does it mean if you have CED-Constant Explosive Disorder-?? That's disturbing!

Here via Michele.

kenju said...

Congrats, Prego, on being Michele's site of the day. Why don't the docs call a spade a spade and call it "Being an asshole"? I suppose this is what they would say my ex son-in-law has, but I call it the above!
Nichele sent me.

jennypenny said...

Lol you are too funny. I have just recently been dropping by your place to see whatsup as we are almost neighbours and share a love of hockey so I was happy to see you chosen as site of the day. Wooho i am sure everyone will be quite amused by your blog. Keep up the good work.

Here from Michele's

Catherine said...

Yes, that item was in our newspaper today, half a world away from you. Apparently 7% of the population may have it. And anti-depressants help. Do you think the pharmaceutical companies make up these things? Gotta get the whole population on happy pills, one way or another..
Michelle sent me

Star said...

I am sure that support groups are being formed and fund raisers beong planned as we blog. What we need is a name for the disorder affecting all of us who put up with this crap. Congrats on being Michele's site of the day.

shpprgrl said...

Now I'll be singing that song today. At least it can replace yesterday's. Here from Michele's.

Just a trumpet player said...

IED - That just explains a lot of things...

Congrats on being Michele's site of the day ! Have a great week !

Karen said...

Congrats on being Michele's site of the day. Enjoy the notoriety!

Megan said...

Better living through chemistry, I say. And if it keeps the assholes sedated, all the better.

Hi - Michele sent me!

yellojkt said...

Michele sent me.

While I have been an occassional sufferer of IED, I am more prone to Motivational Deficiency Disorder (MoDeD). I'm just a lazy bastard.

rampant bicycle said...

Man, eventually they're going to have a pill for everything...

(Hi, Michele sent me! Congrats on your SotD selection. :))

Wordnerd said...

Congrats on SOTD...and great post today. Sorry, but I'm with you guys on this -- I.E.D. = COMPLETE & TOTAL B.S. Sorry. We have too many people trying to turn everyday assholism into a disorder that can be prescribed away. Ain't buyin' it.

Wordnerd said...

Damn. Forgot again. Here from Michele's!

Deb R said...

Well there we go. So good to know there's an official diagnosis and a pill or twelve for assholism! Uh huh.

Here today from Michele's. Congrats on being the SOTD!

used*to*be*me* said...

How is it that we've never met? My bad. Congrats on being SOTD. Obviously, Michele sends me.

Cynthia said...

aha, this explains a lot and sounds like the new excuse . . . it's no longer PMS darling, it is IED!
oh and Michele sent me!

Gypsy said...

I think they featured IED on House last night.

Here from Michelle's.

Chris said...

When the newscast teaser the other day said that road rage (AKA IED) was now a "disease", I almost spit out my latte. So I waited for the news on it, and when the newscaster started to talk about it, I could see he was doing everything in his power to keep from laughing. So I did it for him. Oh, here from Michelle's and I'll be back.

Carl V. said...

Just pray you don't run into anyone with IED and IBS(irritable bowel syndrome) or you may find yourself with shit exploding on you from both ends.

OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

Oh My God, and all this time I thought I was just a plain old regular A**HOLE! LOL! Well, I guess you learn something new every day, don't you?

Congrats Prego on being Michele's site of the day...This is a great post for that! (lol)

Pickalish said...

Here because I wanted to be. Congrats on hitting the big time. =)

Janet (fondofsnape@gmail.com) said...

I think I had an episode tonight when I slammed the door into the wall and stomped up the stairs...or maybe I was just being an asshole. Who cares?

Hi, Michele sent me :-)

keda said...

HOOOORRRAAAYYY! (though also suffering from repressive tedancies i hate capitals..) i knew you'd be forced to understand eventually.

though shit, does that really mean i have to excuse the tosspot that parked yesterday, and last week and 2 days before that etc etc, completely blocking our way out of our gate so we had to actually climb onto the bonnet of his stoopo[pid car (insert yellow sports merc, i mean, SAaaD,) to get out?

if so, do i then get to blame keying his car with my keys on IED??

hurrah. again. now i can also explain to the lets why i did it.

'honey, sure its not nice, but, the silly man was indeed IED but then so am i, so its OK.' yipeeeee :)

Amy said...

I think I'm in love with you...well, your writing anyway.

Damn clever.

glomgold said...

Well, I guess we must feel sorry for these chaps then with the IED because it either: A> sounds like serious diarrhea or B> sounds like 'erectile dysfunction'. And really, who wouldn't get red-in-the-face, knock-down-a-granny-in-the-street, spew-saliva-droplets type angry from that?
Also if they're medicated up and run over & kill a couple kids it's not their fault either. Isn't that the drunk driver argument anyway?