It turns out he is not an ornery, mean, sh*tty old man that I'd like to put *ss first atop the slicer at the meat/deli department of Wegmans supermarket (on the wafer-thin setting). It turns out this miserable f*ck is a victim of "intermittent explosive disorder" (or IED for short). It's brought to you by the same eggheads that diagnosed ADHD.
That's right... The run of the mill a**hole no longer exists. Remember the kid who threw the football in your face during a heated argument in seventh grade? IED. That girl you dated who threw a mug of hot coffee in your direction when she found out you were only sleeping with her so you could move in on her hot roommate? IED. That ex-husband of yours that clubbed you over the head with a rubber mallet when the Buffalo Bills got bounced from the fourth consecutive Super Bowl?
Let's take a second to reflect at all the injustices we've levied on these poor souls -- restraining orders, 15 day jail stints coupled with a sixteen week anger management course, lethal injections, divorces, physical retribution, blanket parties and job termination -- and give them a heartfelt apology. We're sorry. We didn't know you were a completely unbearable malcontent with a propensity for violent outbursts because of an abnormal "left hemisphere of the brain" and a couple of faulty brain cells. We just thought you were a plain ol' a**hole.
So when you call up your kid's shrink in Beverly Hills*...
You know the one... Dr. Everything'll be All right...
Instead of asking him how much of your time is left
Ask him how much of your mind, baby
'Cuz in this life
Things are much harder than in the afterworld
In this life
You're on your own
And if the elevator tries to bring you down...
Like all of our society's ills, 'tain't nothin' a few pills can't resolve.
* May result in rectal bleeding.