9.12.05

Karma is a Bitch Barista.

A couple of months ago I went on a tirade about coffeehouse customers, and took a couple of shots at baristas. It was all in good fun, but the gods of caffeine have decided to jam their retributory index finger in a rather uncomfortable locale.

As you northerners might know, winter driving is a hairy endeavor that carries with it an entirely different set of rules. We treat our vehicles as bumper cars, and minor bumps occur frequently. Shitful road conditions and poor visibilty make driving a full contact sport, once Old Man Winter has sown his wild oats all over our community. On occasion, one might dink some unfortunate soul's shitwagon and slink off into the wintry landscape without as much as a leaving a note.

Today, I dropped off the O-Dog at school and stopped for a cuppa at Starbucks. I rushed in and out, trying to make it to work on time. I got in my car, put it in reverse and (*fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck) nailed a parked vehicle that somehow appeared in my rear window amid the surfeit of snowflakes. Now there is a fine line between a dink and a bonk. This one felt closer to the latter, but of course, winter rules were in effect. I peeked out the window and didn't see anything dented, hanging off or ablaze. Off I drove, with a sinking feeling of paranoia.

The paranoia turned out to be warranted.

Tonight, the wife, kids and I returned from the hockey rink to find a message on the answering machine. I heard "Subaru," "Starbucks" and "Hit 'n Run."

"What did you do?" my wife asked, with the tone she reserves for the occasional major fuck up.

I explained to her what happened, and called back the owners of the offended vehicle (it turns out it belonged to a barista). They were rather amicable about it, and accepted my apology (and will in all likelihood accept the substantial cheque I have to fork over for my transgression).

Here then, in order to avoid any other castigation levied by karmic law I'd like to hereby apologize to the following:

Baristas- You rule. You beautiful. You are not gay. Nobody pours the faggety Eurocentric coffee beverages as adeptly as you.

Christians - Your religion is the best one. You are infinitely more pious than the Buddhists, Hindus and Muslims. Jeebus? Now that's my nigga.

Cell Phone Users - I do not think you are pathetic, needy creatures. You no longer annoy me more than wedged underwear.

Any Child named Caitlyn, Kali or Madison
- You are all unique princesses. Your parents reek of originality, and your names have a certain 'je ne sais quoi.'

Hillary Clinton & Yoko Ono - I love you both. Yoko, I'm going to buy your entire unlistenable back catalogue. Hillary, I may actually vote for you and the cuckold ticket. Maybe I'll go to Florida and squeeze in an extra one just for you, baby. Neither of you are coattail riding opportunists. You are a credit to humanity.

The rest of you: trailer trash, tattooed sluts, Justin Mraz and Celine Dion, Mrs. Aginoth... my deepest and sincere apologies. On second thought, Mrs. Aginoth, not you.

Oh no! The wrath of England! My skin's getting pasty, my teeth are falling out! My humor is getting drier. Aaaaaaaahkkkk! (thud)

36 comments:

Thumper said...

Ohhhhhh..that makes me glad I am no longer in North Dakota and don't even have to think about winter driving rules...or flipping over on the highway in a truck. That was loads of fun.

Here via Michele's tonight!

ivoryfrog said...

makes me glad I can't drive yet. :-) Just being a passenger scares me silly sometimes. :-)

Here from Michele's today!

kenju said...

I was with you down to the part about Ms. Aginoth. I don't know what that was all about.

Michele sent me.

Sexy Soccamom said...

That was hee-larious.
I'm here from Michele's.

The Mistress of the Dark said...

Oh lordy...ya got to watch out for Karma....

here via Michele's!

Plumkrazzee said...

Hi Prego,

Me? Offended?! MUAHHH HHHHAAHHAHHAH. I've only been offended about 3 times in my life. Once that happens, you'll definetely know. =) I didn't know the scoop with Mrs. A either, but clicked your link and think I got it now. Thanks for poppin' by earlier, I'll be checking in later.

OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

Very Funny, Prego!...I'm here from Michele this morning! I love the way you write!

surcie said...

You're awfully clever, Prego! (via Michele today)

Dave said...

3000th visitor to the blog, Prego!
Thanks for dropping by.

Jean-Luc Picard said...

Ouch! There were a few targets to aim at there.

Michele sent me this way.

Carmi said...

This is why I hate going out in winter.

I live in a snowbelt town. So far I thankfully have an accident-free record. Trying to keep it that way...

Back from Michele's for another weekend of fun.

Jessica said...

Hello, I'm here via Michelle! Have a wonderful weekend.

OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

Howdy, Michele sent me back, once again,and happy to be here!

Sally said...

Prego, it is funny to hear the way people order their coffee...decaf with a shot of expresso always cracks me up!

Here from Michele's...

Jacques Roux said...

Heh, winter driving rules. Originally from Illinois, I know all about those. Unfortunately, no one in our fair City seems to know anything about winter driving, even when they go up into the mountains for skiing or snowboarding. Hell, a mere inch or two fo the white stuff (and I'm not talking about Columbian Marching Powder) will shut this metropolis down for the 24 hours it takes to melt.

Plain Jane said...

"Nobody pours the faggety Eurocentric coffee beverages as adeptly as you."

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I love it!

Star said...

Karma's gonna get you!Everytime. Michele sent me.

maggie said...

ok - so you made me LOL

Winter driving - sooo fun :P

Hello, Michele sent me

Sandy said...

Ahh, the joy of winter driving and those big windows they tend to put in Starbucks. :)

here via Michele's

Plumkrazzee said...

here again via michele...

kontan said...

what's this snow stuff i keep hearing about? LOL, in the south...and it's true we have no clue how to drive in snow...we never see it! karma's a beach!

here via michele!

Courtney said...

Ha ha ha!
Hello again, Prego.

Lazy Daisy said...

Here from Michele....loved all your apologies. Lazy Daisy

buffi said...

You sound like that "Earl" guy on TV!

I may stay in my house until Spring! I can't handle this snow & ice. I need to get back to Texas...

Angie said...

You are a great story teller! Very funny! :)

Michele sent me!

Jeff said...

thanks for linking me... I linked you as well....

David said...

My God that is so funny! I love you except that you went to starbucks, what are you a sheep???? be original, drink tea or something.

Claire said...

Hilariously funny post! Karma's an evil thing you know!

katie said...

Ahh the joys of winter driving. I think you have covered all of your karmic bases.
Thanks a lot for stopping by, and I must say, I have no idea who Michelle is, so she didn't send me!

glomgold said...

Heh. I felt the need to stop by that Aginoth's site to see what her problem is. I think I might have pinpointed it and it rhymes with "maloof banal punt". Normally I'd say I can't be certain based on one post but I'll generalize this one time.
:):):):) emoticons, is that what they say?

Juggling Mother said...

Well, an apology would have been nice, since I apologised to you.

Still, thanks for the link:-)

lisa said...

lol, Michele sent me. I'm also not saying I'm sorry to Mrs. A.

PS. We get Canadian coins shammed off on us all the way over here.

lisa said...

I was just wondering if Mrs. A's utopian world includes a King that promises to protect our liberties by ordering secret and illegal spying on us?

Anonymouse said...

Hi...Michele sent me!

This is SO funny! It seems that the 'funny' crowd is out tonight at Micheles: Yahoo! :)

I have to say that I don't frequent Starbuck's too often, I just love DD's coffee too much, but when I DO frequent Starbucks I'm the one who takes an HOUR to find what I'm looking for on the menu printed high above the barista. It was much easier back in the day when you could just say, "Hey, I think I'll have a Latte today!" and be done with it.

WendyWings said...

ROTFL go get em Mrs A !
Michele sent me lol

Kat said...

Your apologies were hilarious... but now I'm curious as to what went down with Mrs. Aginoth!

Also, right before I read your post I was debating whether to go to Starbucks. I think I probably will, but fortunately I don't have to drive as it's just the next block over.