A couple of months ago I went on a tirade about coffeehouse customers, and took a couple of shots at baristas. It was all in good fun, but the gods of caffeine have decided to jam their retributory index finger in a rather uncomfortable locale.
As you northerners might know, winter driving is a hairy endeavor that carries with it an entirely different set of rules. We treat our vehicles as bumper cars, and minor bumps occur frequently. Shitful road conditions and poor visibilty make driving a full contact sport, once Old Man Winter has sown his wild oats all over our community. On occasion, one might dink some unfortunate soul's shitwagon and slink off into the wintry landscape without as much as a leaving a note.
Today, I dropped off the O-Dog at school and stopped for a cuppa at Starbucks. I rushed in and out, trying to make it to work on time. I got in my car, put it in reverse and (*fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck) nailed a parked vehicle that somehow appeared in my rear window amid the surfeit of snowflakes. Now there is a fine line between a dink and a bonk. This one felt closer to the latter, but of course, winter rules were in effect. I peeked out the window and didn't see anything dented, hanging off or ablaze. Off I drove, with a sinking feeling of paranoia.
The paranoia turned out to be warranted.
Tonight, the wife, kids and I returned from the hockey rink to find a message on the answering machine. I heard "Subaru," "Starbucks" and "Hit 'n Run."
"What did you do?" my wife asked, with the tone she reserves for the occasional major fuck up.
I explained to her what happened, and called back the owners of the offended vehicle (it turns out it belonged to a barista). They were rather amicable about it, and accepted my apology (and will in all likelihood accept the substantial cheque I have to fork over for my transgression).
Here then, in order to avoid any other castigation levied by karmic law I'd like to hereby apologize to the following:
Baristas- You rule. You beautiful. You are not gay. Nobody pours the faggety Eurocentric coffee beverages as adeptly as you.
Christians - Your religion is the best one. You are infinitely more pious than the Buddhists, Hindus and Muslims. Jeebus? Now that's my nigga.
Cell Phone Users - I do not think you are pathetic, needy creatures. You no longer annoy me more than wedged underwear.
Any Child named Caitlyn, Kali or Madison - You are all unique princesses. Your parents reek of originality, and your names have a certain 'je ne sais quoi.'
Hillary Clinton & Yoko Ono - I love you both. Yoko, I'm going to buy your entire unlistenable back catalogue. Hillary, I may actually vote for you and the cuckold ticket. Maybe I'll go to Florida and squeeze in an extra one just for you, baby. Neither of you are coattail riding opportunists. You are a credit to humanity.
The rest of you: trailer trash, tattooed sluts, Justin Mraz and Celine Dion, Mrs. Aginoth... my deepest and sincere apologies. On second thought, Mrs. Aginoth, not you.
Oh no! The wrath of England! My skin's getting pasty, my teeth are falling out! My humor is getting drier. Aaaaaaaahkkkk! (thud)