The boy's a wag...

Every once in a while my brother demonstrates an aptitude for drollery. It usually comes unexpectedly from left field.

On music:
"To me British music just sounds like a thousand variatons of 'Ring Around the Rosy."

On getting thrown out of a bar and going home with one shoe on:
"Well, it makes the sun shine a little brighter in the morning."

On me, drinking a colourful sake martini:
Bro: I ought to call you Don Cherry.
Me: Why?
Bro: Because you're the only two people I know who don't look like a fag drinking that.

In a journal of our cross-country trip twelve years ago, written after I nearly killed us driving somewhere in Minnesota or f*cking Wisconsin:
"I saw the face of Satan today..."

On finances & 'significant others':
"...She said, 'Oh no. I have a hair appointment and don't have any money.' I felt my wallet tighten in my pocket."

After stripping the head of a Phillips head screw:
"Well, that one looks like Versace's asshole."

On the drive home after a lap dance at a Canadian strip bar:
Me: You mean to tell me I'm driving you home with a blown load in your pants?
Bro: What do you care? It's not like I'm asking you to do my laundry.

Keats's epitath reads that his name was 'writ in water'. My brother's will be written in piss and vinegar. I love my bro.


~A~ said...

Thank God for bothers! I'm lucky to have one like that too.

keda said...

though my adorable and much loved bro is rather lacking often
in the funnies (needs a few more years practice at making an arse of himself probably), my sis can bring a smile. to me anyway.
"being in your twenties is like watching the titanic. at the beginning there is laughter, frivolity and kate winslet naked (or was that just me?) but towards the end you're stuck with the prospect of years trapped under the hull of a cruiseliner with an american c**t doing an Irish accent for company."

and yummy funny though your bro was i do take issue with the english music line.... until somebody mentions james cunt, then i concur wholeheartedly.

Plain Jane said...

I'm definitely not doing his laundry either!

Pickalish said...

I could write a book on some of the stuff my sister says. Lots of times I don't even have a response other than to look at her like she's insane. My favorite? When she was hurrying to get ready for class pictures one year, and freaking out because the note they sent home said "make sure to come early as to avoid the 5 o'clock shadow"....it was almost 5 and she thought for sure a shadow would come and ruin her senior pictures. Yes, she's THAT naive..

Carmi said...

I love the sentiment in this post. All siblings should read this. And learn.

Atul said...

Your brother is hilarious and tells it like he sees it. He must have made your family life very entertaining. If all siblings were similar, life would be boring. My sister is very normal and down-to-earth, my brother is somewhat entertaining and sometimes fun to make fun of, but I'm different when I'm on my own versus when I'm with my family. The dynamic changes personalities temporarily.

rob said...

Bro: Because you're the only two people I know who don't look like a fag drinking that.

During drinks after a show, I was introduced to this guy named Steve who was drinking a cosmo. This is what went down...

Someone: ...and this is Steve.
Me: Hey Steve. Nice drink. It matches your vagina.
Steve (laughing): Thanks.
Me: So, what do you do?
Steve: Well...I'm stage managing your next show.
Me: Oops.