I have pinpointed the precise moment in which the seeds of road rage manifest themselves on my central nervous system. As a reasoning adult, I like to be conscious of the process, lest my primitive impulses attempt a coup d'ètat to topple the more rational neurons. Once that happens, all hell breaks loose and I'd have to humbly call my wife to bail me out of the hoosegow, which would in turn cause her primitive impulses to go haywire and begin throwing coffee mugs at me when we get home.
It's a rather simple chain of events that begins when the retina catches sight of an errant driver breaches etiquette. Though the entire process takes seconds, I have broken it down for perusal:
OPTIC NERVE Wha- wha-? Oh sh*t! Hey Brain...
FRONTAL LOBE Ah- Ah- Ah..... Booogie wonder-laaaaand.... Huh?
OPTIC NERVE Hey jackass, there's a car in the way!
FRONTAL LOBE Should I brace for impact?
OPTIC NERVE Naw, nigga! Tap the brakes!
FRONTAL LOBE (To Motor Cortex) D'you wanna field this?
MOTOR CORTEX All right. Yo, spinal cord... Tell the calf muscles to flex a bit. Apparently some a**hole just cut us off.
SPINAL CORD I'm on it. (zap)
MUSCLES What the f*ck...
SPINAL CORD Apply the brakes, quickly!
MUSCLES Where are they?
FRONTAL LOBE Next to the gas pedal! Next to the gas pedal!
MUSCLES Oh yeah.
The muscles propel foot from the gas pedal to the brakes and lightly tap enough to slow the vehicle down enough to allow a**hole driver to merge in front. It is at this exact moment that the other anatomical systems become involved.
FRONTAL LOBE What would an appropriate remark be here? 'F*ck-wad' or 'Jerk?'
OCCIPITAL LOBE The kids are in the car. Ixnay on the uckwad-fay.
FRONTAL LOBE Sh*t. Use 'creep'.
LUNGS (inhale - exhale)
VOCAL FOLDS (Vibrating "muther fffff*******")
FRONTAL LOBE I said use 'creep', dumbass!
VOCAL FOLDS Bug off, man. I'm just doing what the neurotransmitters told me.
FRONTAL LOBE Damn. Did the kids hear?
EAR CANAL (echoes "Daddy, mommy says only dummies swear.")
PRIMARY AUDITORY CORTEX They heard...
VOCAL FOLDS (Vibrating "Daddy said 'Mother fudge bucket")
FRONTAL LOBE Good thinking.
VOCAL FOLDS It's the best I could do. I don't see you doing any better.
FRONTAL LOBE F*ck you, man. I've got a lot on my plate here. You know what happens when I freak out... Is it clear?
OPTIC NERVES Yeah, but the bastard just gave us the finger.
FRONTAL LOBE Why did he do that?
MOTOR CORTEX I told the hand to lay on the horn.
FRONTAL LOBE I didn't authorize that!
MOTOR CORTEX You were too busy having a p*ssing contest with the vocal folds.
FRONTAL LOBE God DAMN it!
KIDNEY Oh-oh... Looks like trouble brewin'.
ADRENAL GLANDS Grrrrrrr. Grrrrrrrr... GRRRRRRNNNNNNT.
HEART (pump. pump. pump. pump.) Uh-oh. Tense situation. (pump. pump. pump. pump. pump. pump. pump. pump. pump.)
RED BLOOD CELLS Wheeeeeeeee!
TISSUE Hey. Watch it, bro!
NERVE ENDINGS Yeah. You're making the face tingle.
CAPILLARIES Sorry dudes. Gotta get more oxygenized cells to the brain.
LUNG (excited) Did someone say more oxygen?
FRONTAL LOBE EVERYBODY CALM DOWN!
STOMACH Yeah. If I get an ulcer, heads are going to roll.
EPINEPHRINES Good idea. Let's kick some ass. Where's that driver? Let's run him off the road.
FRONTAL LOBE Are you crazy? The kids are in the car! (To Optic Nerve) What are they doing?
OPTIC NERVE They're playing with their PowerRangers....
FRONTAL LOBE Awwww... Look at that.... Adrenal, focus buddy... No more epinephrines! Those crazy bastards are going to make me do something rash!
ADRENAL GLAND GRRRRRRNnNNNnnnnnnn... GRrrrrrnnnnph... grrr
FRONTAL LOBE Nobody's going to hurt us or the kids! Good boy. Good Boy.
ADRENAL GLAND HRrrrnnrnrnrnrnrr.. grr.. gzzzzzzzzz. zzzzzzzzzz.
FRONTAL LOBE Everything's okay, every one. Resume normal functions.
ADRENAL GLAND zzzzzzzzz. zzzzzzzzzzzz.
NOSE Thank god. If we were to tangle with that troglodyte in the other car, I'm usually the first target.
KNUCKLES I had yo' back, nigga.
FRONTAL LOBE Sure you did....
VOCAL CHORDS (Vibrating "Booogie wonder laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand")
EAR CANAL Change the station!
(Crackle... "You're beautiful... you're beautiful it's trueeeeeeee... I saw your face...")
ADRENAL GLAND GRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! GRRRRRRRR.....ooooooowwwwl
EPINEPHRINES James Blunt? Let's go kick his ass.
FRONTAL LOBE Come on, guys. Don't start that sh*t again. (to others) Guys, we need a diversion!
OPTICAL NERVES Whoa! Look at those knockers!
LIBIDO Where? Where?
FRONTAL LOBE (I hate this job.)