Dear Prego (Or Why I Don't Write Advice Columns)


My mother says I'm tearing our family apart. On Mother's Day, my 8-year-old daughter teased her 9-year-old cousin, asking who'd like her last bite of dessert. When he said he wanted it, she said, "Just kidding!" My nephew went running into the house wailing like he'd been hit.

I was in the middle of telling my daughter what she did was wrong and she should apologize, when I heard my brother, "Harry," ask my nephew why he was crying. My nephew said my daughter had teased him over the dessert, and Harry said, "Well, she's a little bitch!" I was horrified. My daughter and sister-in-law heard it, too.

When I went inside to talk to Harry, he told me he didn't mean it that way and that he could say anything in his house that he wants. My daughter and I left, and I haven't talked to him since.

He has apologized to my daughter with numerous justifications for what he said, but he hasn't apologized to me for what he called my daughter and the way he talked to me. We have had two family birthdays since then (including another at my brother's), and my daughter and I haven't attended either one. My mother is taking Harry's side, saying I'm too sensitive and the word isn't that bad. Am I wrong to think that calling an 8-year-old a "bitch" is horrible, degrading and uncalled for? -- SISTER OF A TRASH MOUTH

DEAR SISTER: Probably not. But your brother has already apologized to the "injured" party for what he said, and he does not owe you one. I'm voting with your mother. You have already punished yourself and your daughter enough by missing out on the family birthday parties. Enough, already!

Dear Sis':
Man, can you hold a f*cking grudge. No wonder your daughter's a little sh*theel. My sister used to pull that jive-ass move... only she'd lick the last piece of cake, instead of saying, "Just kidding." On one occasion I said, "F*ck it. What's a little saliva among siblings," and wrestled the last goddamned Ho Ho ® from her chocolate-coated meathooks. It was a little soggy, but it hit the spot.

Now, onto your bid'ness. Rather than purse your lips and trot off to the trenches, fight fire with fire. Tell my nigga "Harry," he's right - she's a bitch. You might want to add that he's raising a mealy-mouthed p*ssy in the process. He seems to have cobbles himself, putting you in your place in his crib, but what's with putting up with the sobbing 9 year old? Time to tape the little wuss to the garage door and fire hockey pucks at him.

On the plus-side, I'm sure your husband appreciates sitting out the chafing family functions, but you seem like such a (here's a word that might 'horrify' you) cooze, you probably have him scrubbing your menstrual panties instead... a job "Harry's" kid will invariably land when he ties the knot.


Donny B. of Everything in Moderation
hosts this week's on the topic of advice columnists. Does having a bad day result in bad advice? What if they start losing their patience, like the guy at the amusement park who's been asked a thousand times where the sh*tter is? Stop by for a good read.

Also, apologies to Steven V. Funk for shirking my roundtablin' duties last week.


Shane said...

heh heh. YEAH!!!!
still chuckling at mealy mouthed p****
michele sent me ova w/a nickel

Last Girl On Earth said...

Thank goodness for Michele. She reminded me that I've been a really bad blog buddy and haven't paid you a visit in WAY too long! That's truly my loss.

Do me a favor, take over Dear Abby's column, would 'ya? You are much more entertaining!

utenzi said...

Now there's a healthy dose of honesty, Prego. I especially liked the point of an 9 year old boy sobbing over a missed bite of dessert. Not a good sign!

Entertaining as your take on Dear Abby is tho--I just don't think the world at large is ready for that strong a dose of tough love. Maybe you're just ahead of your time...

Michele sent me to opine.

moon said...

Here from Michele's...
Now that's my kind of advise lol, straight to task lol...LMAO @ HUBBY,scrubbing your menstrual panties!!

keda said...

love it!
and love the clicker trail it lead me on to savage love. thanks.
bloody wimpy 9 yr olds! ach.

i recently got frowned at for asking my 4 year olds if they "really want(ed) to play with a bitch like that" after some other 4yr old arswipe called one "a cry baby" and said she "wouldn't invite (her) to (her) birthday party if (she) didn't come and follow (her) now". (the soblet in question had just run headfirst into a metal door handle and cut her forehead open).
i should know better apparently... "little girls dont need to know the bitch word".
bah humbug i say!

dear prego... i'll write to you before i open my mouth next time..

Terri said...

Whew...this kinda makes me happy I"m an only child...lol
Hi from Michele's....

chrysalis said...


why not just have the little ones duke it out in a cock fight. my money's on the girl, since the other one cries over cake.

thanks for visiting my site!

November Rain said...

hi from michelle

Dawn said...

wow...I thought I had family drama...glad to know I am not alone ;) here via Michele but I will be back for more.

Becky68 said...

here from Micheles,
Ah yes, sounds like my ex husband's family! always something to fight about, loved the advice!

Miss Cow is a Cow said...

Hello from michele's.

Karen said...

I remember reading that originally. Your answer was much more fun than Abby's.

Here via Michele's. Hope you're having a great weekend!

Michelle Miles said...

This line had me in stitches: and wrestled the last goddamned Ho Ho ® from her chocolate-coated meathooks

You commented at my joint (Ye Olde Inkwell), so I thought I'd return the favor. I'm the hockey ho.. I mean fan. ;)

Just a trumpet player said...


Your answer made my day !

Michele sent me ; have a great weekend !

Carmi said...

I would read you in a heartbeat over those milquetoast mailbox ladies. I'm glad I wasn't drinking milk as I read your response, otherwise I would have blown it all over the keyboard.

You funny, dude!

Michele thinks so, too.

Carrie said...

That was the funniest thing I have read all day. I am going to have to remember your advice. Love it, love it, love it!

~A~ said...

You can tell that didn't happen at my house. If one of the clones was to dangle the last bite of desert in front of one of the others and then renege, that piece of desert would have been knocked to the floor and rolled over continuously in the tussle.

The girl may have been a bitch but the boy is definitely her bitch.

Here 'cause I luvs yer reads. Have a great weekend.

Meghan said...

"Time to tape the little wuss to the garage door and fire hockey pucks at him."

I might have to share that one with Mr. mydogharriet.

I think he would appreciate it. And a hockey reference is always good.

jennypenny said...

I do beleive dear prego that you are my most favourite blogger of all time. You always manage to have me literally crying I am laughing so damn hard. Have some sympathy for the little bitch though.. I was once the cake licker.. preventing my younger bro from getting the last piece.. and maybe I still am :P But I am still a perfect angel :)