When the Lightning Strikes...

On the way to work Wednesday, I was treated to the spectacle of lightning in the dark October sky. I've heard the loud pops nailing trees nearby and thought that if the 'almighty' wanted to rub my ass out with this preferred method of disposal that sh*t would really hurt. I also began pondering my mortality (ugh...) and subsequent afterlife (or possibility thereof).

It was similar moments that actually brought religion into existence.

Caveman #1: Ngug dergag umpfor! (Dude, I'm scared of dying.)
Caveman #2: Sdgarg rergge. (Amen, nigga.)
Caveman #1: Gdsgerrer dergad gyujk areth? (What do you think happens after we die?)
Caveman #2: Oisdg fdoeg rgrhoofd morge reoyege ogoeoo ooyyopoo gosogs arog asdoyyos. (Your guess is as good as mine, but I hope it includes an endless supply of prehistoric cave 'tang.)
Caveman #1: Sdgarg rergge!

We've gotten pretty damn creative... The Vikings had Valhalla, the Hindus have saṃsāra and those Jehovah's witnesses have those happily deceased Land's End shoppers gaily cavorting lions and tigers in a lush post-mortem petting zoo. The atheists have (.) and we agnostics are left to our on devices and a coffin-load of "what ifs." We are the free-agents of theological theory. It's not like we're going to be able to pick and choose our afterlife but we're more likely to be surprised than anybody (except the atheists).

Christians might be surprised - "Faaaahk. The atheists were right! What a drag." (.)

The Muslims? "Hey! These 70 virgins are fat and hirsute!" A Hindu might come back as a Southern Baptist in his next life and have to spend a lifetime wearing a fake moustache at Hooters... And the Jehovah's witness might try to pet a leopard that decides "Man, this afterlife's for p*ssies. (CHOMP)."

Though I have no idea what to expect, here's one way it might go down for me:

(Lightning bolt)BOOOOOOOOOM! Srrrrrrrrzzzzzzzzzzztttttttttt!


Prego: Ow. What the heck (eck eck eck eck....)? (timidly) Hello-lo-lo- lo?
God: Krmmmff - hee hee hee...
Prego: Wha- wha... ? Who's that? What's goin' on?
God: (chuckling) I'm sorry. I'm sorry. (chuckle...)

Prego emerges out of a 'dark tunnel' into a large pantheon.

Prego: What's so funny? Who are you?
God: I'll give you a wild guess.
Allah: Hey, can we get on with this? I've got 743 martyrs waiting.
Prego: What the f*ck's going on? If this is a jesus thing, don't waste your breath.
Jesus: Actually it is kind of a jesus thing, now that you mention it.
Vishnu: Um... according to the rule book, this guy's unaffiliated, so it is most certainly not a jesus thing.

Jesus: Yeah, but it was my dad that snuffed him out!
Prego: Snuffed who out? Me? I've been snuffed? For what?
God: Nyeh. No real reason. I was bored.
Prego: Bored? So you snuff me?
God: Every once in a while I like to go old school on someone.
Fulgora: Who are you calling old?
God: Sorry. Anyway Prego, you and I are due for a reckoning.
Prego: Oh yeah. I've been wondering about this. I guess you do exist, and so do all the other deities, apparently...
God: Yes, (ahem) well...
Ometeotl: What do you mean 'ahem'... You're not top dog around here.
Zeus: That's right!
Anubis: Shut up, Zeus...
God: Guys! GUYS! I'm in the middle of something here. Listen, Prego. You've been talking a lot of sh*t that borders on the blaspheme...

Prego: Oh, that "Why doesn't Jesus play hockey" joke? I haven't told that since 1992.
Jesus: 1998, actually. During the Olympics. During the Russia/Czech Republic game.
Prego: Oh yeah. Remember that hit that Zhitnik laid on Jagr?
Jesus: Yeah. That sh*t was sweet. We felt that up here.
Prego: Nice playoff beard, by the way. A little early, though.
Jesus: Thanks. Long time Devils fan...
Prego: No sh*t? I'd have figured you more for a Kings fan.
Jesus: What, are you f*cking kidding me?
God: PREGO! Damn it!
Prego: What? What?
God: Back to blasphemy... about that tendency to use my name in vain and all that...
Prego: You're not seriously offended by that, are you?
God: That's the third commandment.
Zeus: Come on, you know we don't all agree on that one.
Allah: Or the first one for that matter.

Elvis: I thought we only agreed to keep VI and VIII?
God: Sorry sir.
Prego: Is that who I think it is?
Jesus: Who do you think calls the shots around here?
Prego: Presley? Sh*t. This should bode well for me...
Elvis: You think so, wise guy? What about all those jokes about my weight and dying on the shitter?

Prego: You heard those, huh?
Anubis: We hear everything.
Prego: So, you guys just keep track of all we say and do...
Allah: And eat...
God: And think...
Prego: And then hold some kind of tribunal to determine my fate?
Atropos: Not quite. This is kind of out of our jurisdiction.
Allah: We determine what to do with you, yes...
Prego: Do I have a say so?
God: No.
Prego: Well, that's pretty lame. How long does that take?
Vishnu: It depends. Sometimes it takes about an hour, sometimes it can take forever. You're a tough case, since you're basically a decent person, but lack a little... shall we say... reverence...
Prego: Aw man. You know what? You guys seem like a decent lot, but I don't have time to sit around, listening to you nitpick. I'm out of here.

Elvis: Where are you going?
Prego: To get something to eat and go find me some prehistoric cave 'tang.
Elvis: Sh*t. Sounds good. I'll go with you.
Jesus: Sdgarg rergge.

God and Allah look at each other for a moment... the five of them fade off into the distance.


My float said...

LOL...That's given me the best laugh i've had for ages.

Here from Michele today.

utenzi said...

Prego, that shit is going to earn you some serious burn-time. I hope you like the smell of charred meat! LOL

I like Elvis sticking his head into the conference. Sdgarg rergge.

Michele sent me to see your judgement council, Prego. Good luck--and steer clear of lightning storms!

keda said...

the king, king of the kindom of heaven? hell yeah. :) now there's a religion i can get my teeth into. and my shiny shoes and rhinestone belts into.
i like. and i've been a good girl. he's gonna like me :) yippeeeeeeee.

caramaena said...

Damn that's some funny stuff!

Here from Michele's

Karen said...

My, what an interesting "look" at religion. Well done and very creative!

Michele sent me today!

David said...

trying to predict the future is a dangerous game, but at least you worked hard on your writing.
Thanks for visiting , and playing Michele's game.

-E said...

you forgot the flying spaghetti monster, but since Elvis was included you can be excused.

michele sent me, have a nice weekend.

Jean-Luc Picard said...

How is it you speak fluent Caveman?

Michele sent me here.

the beige one said...

Loving the fact that cavemen originated "amen, nigga."

Here from lack of things to do at the moment.

Jacques Roux said...

I love it brother, but you may have a copyright infringement battle on your hands with Rob. But I'll leave that for him to decide whether it's worth pursuing or not...

Prego said...

Copyright infringement... Serious charge.

To tell you the truth, I do hate when the creative juices takes a 'rob-esque' direction. It makes me seem like a bootlegger.

Sometimes the 'blogger theatre' genre he seems to have originated is the best way to convey ideas and observations. In deference to the master, I'll curb further use of the artform, though I assume we'll cross paths on the topical vineyard.

Carrie said...

Good God! Thank Allah, I'm an atheist.

the beige one said...

I hardly think Mr. "I'm Divorcing Myself" holds a patent on the practice of "blogger theater."

jennypenny said...

I personally love the thought of Elvis ruling the universe. And as for this whole comment of this rob guy and copyright shit. Wtf is that? Who is this rob guy. I can guarantee that he isnt nearly as funny as my dear prego.

Oh and speaking of lightning.. weirdest thing.. that day my brother was driving to work in that crazy storm on the highway and his car got hit by lightning. It turned off but everything was cool. Freaking bizarre eh?

I can't beleive I actually just said eh. I am going to leave it though. I don't like to edit myself but rather i will remind your readers that I am not.. i repeat I am not a dumb Canadian. F*ckin eh.

~A~ said...

I read that too and was thinking, hmmmmmmmmm, has he been talking to Rob.

Dude, funny shit, but it's been done. Or at least, he's told me the story.

You own him beer.

Prego said...

With all due respect to your brother, A, that story was all Prego. Any similarities are purely coincidental, since I have no idea what you're comparing it to.

I'd be glad to buy him a beer anyway.

keda said...

true guys, but rob never had elvis!

and though rob most definately is as funny as the lovely and hilarious prego (accidentaly as well as scripted.. though don't tell him i said that or he might be tempted to go back and mercy shag himself) guarantees be damned, elvis being in charge is enough to make me a disciple.