Sores for Sight Eyes

A while ago, I was riding shotgun in my brother's car, enjoying a Whoppertunity, when my brother points out a gaggle of attractive college hotness.

"Check 'em out... Check 'em out!"
"Dude, we're eating f*cking hamburgers. Nobody looks sexy eating a hamburger."

My brother got a good laugh over this observation and concurred. There's no point in establishing eye contact with the opposite gender with burger-juice dripping on your chin. I remembered this exchange as I watched a robust woman driving her S.U.V. whilst handling a hefty sandwich.

Unfortunately, if you're well-upholsered, you never look good eating. I saw this personified during the last faculty meeting, as I watched a co-worker who probably tips the scale at close to three bills alternately munching on potato chips and Doritos™. Aside from the guilt-ridden thoughts of "no wonder," the mere aesthetics of watching you reach into a crinkly bag make this top the don't do list.

Not that I'm an authority on this, but I am going to take the liberty in pointing out other situations one might not look best. Fat, skinny, old, slack-jawed, hirsute, tall... take heed. You do not look good when:

Handcuffed - Regardless of the situation*, it is impossible to look your best when manacled. It greys your complexion and darkens your aura. The police report might read disorderly conduct, but you know we're all thinking date rape, assault and battery, petty theft or getting caught soliciting sexual acts from a pimply midget...

* (...unless, of course, you're cuffed to a bedpost of a blazing hot red-head with nipples the size of stop signs and the demeanor of a rabid ocelot. If she defecates on your chest and leaves with your wallet, the above assessment applies.)

In Court - No Armani or Donna Karan suit in the world can hide the fact that you are somehow a threat to the public, a philandering wife/husband, child abuser, scofflaw or attorney. If you are a defendant, despite the fact that you are a sharp dresser, you are no better than the guy wearing the striped Zubaz pants and Kansas City Chiefs t-shirt who's facing domestic abuse charges.

Purchasing Sh*t-tickets - I understand that we all have to wipe our *sses or cooches, but there is no way to look alluring when throwing the 66¢ rolls of supermarket brand a**wipes atop your arugula, edamame and whole grain Monks' bread. My suggestion is to wait until 3 a.m., when the sh*theels stuck with the graveyard shift can ring you up. They're usually sleeping while we're awake, thus lessening the chance of overhearing them tell a friend that "there's the guy who wipes his turdcutter with the cheap sandpaper toilet tissue."

In Queues - This is particularly bad if you're waiting in line for something free, in the company of other skin-flints or the pauperized. Occasionally this can't be helped, such as in the supermarket but you definitely help your cause by following the aforementioned 3 a.m. sh*t ticket rule. Standing in line for something like RENT has a high choad-factor, and getting a pair of tickets for you and your boyfriend to go see Because I Said So make you look like a heartless wench. Other queues you don't want to find yourself in are the at the boot camp medical examiners', the methadone clinic, a porn shop or (gasp) communion.

At All-You-Can-Eat Establishments - Somehow we found ourselves where we started, though there is no way to look toothsome while piling a plate full of waxy mashed potatoes, shoe-leather steaks or the salad bar, where the lettuce is more bruised than a housewife that doesn't know then to shut up. The "closed for business" sign on your blind date's chocha will spring up quicker than you can say, "Mmmm. Sausage."

You don't have to be Diamond Jim to find affordable eats. There's no need to look like a gluttonous water buffalo for $7.99. You might also want to avoid those places that let you throw peanut shells on the floor.

There you have it... but as LeVar Burton says "You don't have to take my word for it."

Gotta go. My wife wants me to take her to Denny's for a Moon Over My Hammy®. I have to find a bag to put over my head.


Catherine said...

That doesn't sem to leave many occasions on which you can look sexy. Just as well I gave up trying to look sexy a long time ago :) Michele sent me

yellojkt said...

Michele sent me.

These are all very funny. Never check out women coming out of a restroom. I just never makes them look sexy.

panthergirl said...

Those are hilarious. I'll refrain from commenting on the juice dripping from chin visual, however. Since there ARE those who would disagree!

What the heck is a Moon Over My Hammy?

Here via michele!

Star said...

You are too funny. And also sadly, oorect. The other day I was in a store buying a gift for a plus sized relative. The store is staffed by plus sized women which makes sense.. But they moved soooooo slllloooowwwww. I told my dughter that if they picked it up a bit they might lose few. Mmichele sent me.

kimbofo said...

LOL!! I would also add that it is not very sexy when you are squashed onto public transport with your nose under someone's armpit!

Michele sent me.

PS> I like your template. I use it myself!! ;)

the frog princess said...

I don't really tip the scales, but I still think that most people don't look that attractive eating, especially in the car. If I have to eat in the car I usually make it something I can rip off pieces and pop into my mouth instead of biting off a hunk.

Here via Michele's!

scrappintwinmom said...

You are correct on all counts. And hysterical. Here via Michele!

surcie said...

I've always been strangely intrigued by the ads for the Rooty Tooty Fresh & Fruity. Sure doesn't sound like a platter of eggs, bacon, sausage, and pancakes to me.

Your blog continues to be the only place I've ever heard the term "sh*t-tickets."

colleen said...

You got it down! You should submit this somewhere! It's great! I'm micheleing.

toygirl said...

Funny, true stuff.
In high school, we used to go to Denny's, which I didn't love so much.
But what I really hated is that my friends had a joke where they'd get a menu and go, "Look, it's MOONS OVER MY HAMMY!" They thought they were being hilarious. They were not.

jennypenny said...

I gotta disagree with one. The whole court thing... Maybe i am messed up but when I was called for jury duty the HOTTEST guy was on trial. I didn't get picked for jury duty which is probably a good thing as I would have let him off with just a spanking or something. Sigh... more proof that I just love the bad boys.

sage said...

These are funny--never though of trying to look sexy eating a burger, but there was a black jute-joint in Pittsburgh when I use to live there that sounds the huge buggers, you couldn't get from the top to the bottom of the bum in one bite... I use to take friends there who hadn't eaten there and recommend they try one--it was a mess to eat but they were good (artery clogging good). But you looked like a fool eatin' 'em.

Carrie said...

Can you publish this and send it to EVERYONE?

C. said...

Good stuff.

I'm with frog princess...rip and eat.