I had a physical recently, and thankfully they didn't have to jam a kielbasa-sized finger in my *ss to check the prostate. I'm entitled to that treat next year. I shouldn't complain much, since the ladies are poked and prodded periodically during their physical examinations. Moreover, my dad beat that prostate cancer sh*t a little while ago - that hit a little close to home.
Dr. Beth Any problems?
Me Other than occasionally sh*tting a rose bush and a bit of pain in my rotator cuff...
Dr. Beth Well anytime you want to get that taken care of... You're looking at a couple months without hockey.
Me Whew. Shoulder's good. Shoulder's good.
I've grown accustomed to getting thrown a clean bill of health as I'm shown the exit - with one eye kept on the blood pressure. This time the doc chided me for blowing off the blood tests last year.
"All right... All right. I'll go."
It took me about two or three months to get around to it, with the Dr.'s request form becoming increasingly smudged with foot prints on the floor of my car. I went in for my complimentary pricking and came home to take a nap.
Fast forward a couple of weeks:
Mrs. P Did you call the doctor's office?
Me No. Why?
Mrs. P They left a message.
I'd never gotten a call over a blood test before, so I knew it couldn't be good. Of course I didn't call the doc back for a couple of days.
Mrs. P Did you call the doctor's office yet?
Me Uh... not yet.
Mrs. P CALL them!
Three days later...
S0 & So Hi. This is So & So from Dr. Beth's office.
Me Oh yes. I meant to call you.
So & So Uh-huh. I'm just calling about your blood test.
So & So Yeah. Just a couple things. You really need to watch that cholesterol. It's a little up there. Fortunately you also have high levels of good cholesterol...
Me There's good cholesterol?
So & So Yeah, which is why it's not that much of a concern, but you should still watch it.
Me No problem...
So & So Then there's the issue of your blood sugar.
Me My what?
So & So We ran a couple tests on it, just in case you snuck in a sugar doughnut or two that evening.
So & So But it looks like you're sugar's a little high. You're bordering on diabetic.
Me You're kidding me?
So & So Yeah. You really need to watch that, too. So if you eat a lot of ice cream for example... maybe skip a couple days or two.
Me All right. Thanks.
So & So You're welcome. We'd like to test you again in about six months to see how you're doing.
So & So Will you remember?
I hung up the phone, put a couple of cookies in my mouth and went to hang out with the boys. After years of deluding myself with the idea the misconception that I'd been taken care of myself, I now envisioned myself clutching my chest at the Fletchmonster's kindergarten graduation or losing my foot like f*cking Ralph Cramden in that movie with Tom Hanks.
While out to lunch with the Fletchmonster and Mrs. P, I suggested that what the doctor in fact did was ruin every f*cking meal I'd ingest for the rest of my life. It'd either be healthy and taste like sh*t, or I'd actually look for my sad reflection in the grease, knowing that each mouthful would push me closer to the grave.
On the other hand, it could be a blessing in disguise. Mrs. P went on the warpath for something I already forgot about. I was re-caping the events for my best friend Doug.
Me Yeah. I used to think about stepping in front of a truck when she gets like that. Now I just felt like jamming a couple of Twinkies™ in my mouth.
Doug Heh. With a side of bacon.
Well, nothing lasts forever... even cold November rain. Even still, I would like to at least stick around to watch the Fletchmonster make it to second grade. I suppose an alfalfa sprout sandwich washed down with soy milk is a small price to pay.