MIA: Winter

I never watch the weather broadcasts. Mrs. P always wants to, but I don't. On the rare occasion we're watching the news together, the following conversation ensues (or any variation thereof):

Mrs. P Don't change it. I want to watch the weather.
Prego Why? Anybody beyond the age of twelve has already become familiarized with the weather patterns in their area. Why do you need an over-educated chowderhead to tell you what the weather's like?
Mrs. P I wanna know what the weather's going to be like tomorrow...
Prego It's either gonna rain or it ain't. Why? Were you thinking about having a picnic?
(TV Volume gets turned up.)

April? 40º-50º F. Mostly sunny.

August? 60% chance of skanky shorts and halter tops.

October? 50º, with overnight lows in the high 30ºs.

November to March? Up to our cobbles in snow... Which is precisely why I'm starting to freak out a little.

We haven't had a goddamned bit of snow since mid-October.

As far as I can recall, living in Buffalo, I can count on a couple of things:
  1. There's always going to be a steady crew of industrious rummies pushing rusty shopping carts up and down the streets looking for returnable soda pop and beer cans.
  2. Bars will be open until four a.m., from where a population of pudgy bar sluts can stumble home sans bra, reeking of Crown Royal, mayonnaise and frat boy sweat, and
  3. Mrs. P will pester me to shovel snow from the 30' of sidewalk in front of the Prego household (to no avail), only to wind up doing it herself.
We're already heading into mid-January, and our temperature has been generally in the 40ºs. While neighbors and assorted idiots sing the praises of the global warming dilemma, I'm a little saddened that we've managed to seriously f*ck up our habitat. It's to the point that though I was going to wait until spring to teach my son to skateboard, I can probably do so tomorrow.

I even saw a few squirrels today. One of them had the paunch of a latter-day Elvis and could be seen smoking a spliff and eating Jared Fogle's Subway™ leftovers. Normally, this squirrel would have the physique of one of the Strokes and be rationing his nuts and cigarette butts this time of year.

All the charms of the winter solstice are amiss. Instead, earthworms litter the sidewalk, weeds are sprouting on lawns and bears are walking around with bloodshot eyes:

Mrs. Bear
Munch... munch... munch... I need to get some sleep.
Mr. Bear Just eat, baby.
Baby Bear Like, oh... my... gawd. I am so gaining my freshman fifteen. I am such a cow.
Mr. Bear Groan. I'm heading over to the Squrrel's to smoke a fat one.

Somewhere in our community there's a pudenda under a thick brush of winter bush, feeling all dressed up with nowhere to go:

Housefraü (to mons pubis) It's the machete for you....
Husband (to himself) Thank god.... It feels like a scouring pad. Bless you, greenhouse gases.

Maybe it's just me. Yeah, ordinarily I'm cursing the f*cking gods this time of year, scraping off a stubborn, yet life affirming inch-thick layer of ice off my windshield before heading to work. Usually I'm making a mad dash from the parking lot to work, with a snotscicle forming under my nose and the frigid sting of thousands of tiny needles on my ears (because I can never find my winter hat).

One winter as a kid, I blew a huge bubble of gum -- it fell from my chapped lips and shattered on the sidewalk. I swear to Satan.

Today? I'm looking out the window to see the sad drizzle of a temperate Buffalo. No icicles. No cloud of steam as I exhale. No need for a half bag of rock salt to melt the front stoop for the mailman. Damn...

Jack Frost... Mother Nature, wherever the f*ck you are... I miss you. Dearly. Please come soon.



Oracle said...

Hey how's it going ;)

I'm not sure here ;) Here via Michele as you are aware ;)

Prego said...

Fine, Wally. Where's the Beav?

Thanks for your insight.

Oracle said...

Gonna try the soap on the mirror trick ;)

Hello again

Here via Michele's again ;)

Atul said...

I was just thinking today about writing a joke that the squirrels are overweight because they haven't burned off any fat from winter. Yes, it is freaky here in Detroit too. No snow. Today, I bought a bicycle, wanted to have the tires swapped out and I said, just keep it until the tires come in because I'm not going to ride it because it's January. Then as I drove home, I realized I could have gone riding today.

Global warming is for real and even if somebody doesn't believe in it, it's easy to conclude that less pollution is better than more pollution so we might as well cut down.

Lazy Daisy said...

In Virginia the temps have been in the high 60's we even have spring flowers starting to bloom. I miss winter too. Michelle sent me but being in Canada she is having winter.

Prego said...

Funny you should mention Canada, since I was there yesterday and enjoyed some balminess...

kenju said...

You actually miss all that snow? What's wrong with you, Prego? I should think that people who live in Buffalo would be down on their knees thanking their deity for NO snow! I would.

Prego said...

kenny, i think you're missing the 'big picture.'

kenju said...

Okay, enlighten me!

Michele sent me back to see/say that.

Mr. L said...

Hello, Michele sent me. The last time I was in Buffalo we stayed at a hotel that must have been next to a methadone clinic...when we left in the morning, we were surrounded by people scratching themselves and looking for cigs...

Biff Spiffy said...

It is a little freaky 'round here. Michigan should be full of grumpy backsore weather-weary snowplow drivers by now. 'Tis weird. And, still kicking myself for the season ski pass I got the offspring for Christmas.

Loved the dialog, I can totally relate to the weather channel conversation.

And, yo via Michele!

Carmi said...

We watched Al Gore's An Inconvenient Truth over the holidays, so the timing of this wonky weather is kind of appropriate for us.

I suspect this is a peek at winters to come. And ultimately, we've done it to ourselves.


The good news in all of this is that those who purchases inexpensive inland property will eventually be automatically upgraded to waterfront.

OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

Bizarre weather---Global Warming, you think? I hope you get your wish soon, Prego..

About Kim Stanley: She was as great a stage actress as Marlon Brando...truthful to the core, unexpected reactions to things...never stopped discovering more and more and more about the character she was playing....Brando, too, had that gift...etc., etc. He deserted the stage unfortunately---and so we never got to see him do anything "live" after "Streetcar Named Desire"...but most of Kim Stanley's work was in live theatre and live Television. The few films that she made....maybe 6 all told, well, she was nominated for Oscars for two of those performances....If you can find a copy of "The Goddess" on Ebay....it is worth seeing. "Seance On A Wet Afternoon", too...And "Frances"...where she played Frances Farmers (Jessica Lange) mother....Fantastic performances---all three! And Bigf Momma in "Cat On A Hot Tin Roof"...a TV Movie...ALL worth seeing, Prego.

~A~ said...

heh! Global Warming. Now that's funny.

Prego said...

only if you can't swim, -a-

kenju said...

I believe, Prego! I was just kidding about snow on a more personal level. I abhor the thought of what we have done/are doing to the planet to cause this warming. My mom said (back in the 50's) that airplanes were to blame, and you know what - she might have been right. That was part of one of the articles in the Atlantic Monthly I read this week.

Claire said...

Wow! Things sure are odd! We've had a warmer winter than normal aswell, although we don't usually get snow until Feb/March if at all. It's a lot windier than usual and we've had some pretty big (for the UK!) tornado's over the last few years...things are a changing and it's not all good!

Carrie said...

We have to have something to bitch about, right?

So when is the best time of year to visit NY? I'm planning a trip for next year but I know how cold it is and how muggy it gets.

Meghan said...

I am with you Prego. I live in fucking MINNESOTA and there is no snow. This is the state where we once had 2 feet of snow ON HALLOWEEN. We had snow for a day, and then my daughter kept trying to replace the snowmans shrinking head on it's shrinking body until it disappeared all together. It made me cry inside.

Suzanne said...

We seem to have gotten Buffalo's winter and you've gotten Seattle,s winter in exchange.

It's snowing, again. There's been snow on the ground for the past week, which is highly unusual for Seattle. It's supposed to get up to a toasty warm 48° on Sunday, so driving here will suck until then.

I am so ready for Spring...