The Phantasmic Four

When most people in films see a ghost, they run like m***** f***ers. Who could blame them? Lately, ghots in films are some gaunt adolescent in a billowy nightgown - forced to wander the Earth because of post-partum fiasco or an ancient curse or something.

Zzzzzzz. Zzzzzzz.

Often, they look quite normal, until you get really close and then Grrraaaarrrrr.... They turn into some creepy, hellish sh*t, either ripping off your arms and beating you over the head with them or just making you scream like a poor soul getting dragged to Miss Congeniality 3 by his girlfriend. If you're black, he kills you right away. If you're Hispanic, he makes you reach for the rosary and hide in a church. Whitey? You watch all the minorities get axed while you figure out a way to 86 his ass. Go whitey.

Conversely, ghosts are at times friendly. Not necessarily in a Casper way (I once offended my mother-in-law by commenting that prior to his ghosthood, Casper was in all likelyhood a latent homosexual), but as a benevolent soul looking to right a wrong, or just looking for a homey to hang with. This is the kind of ghost I'd like to see.

Here, then, are brief descriptions of ghosts that I would not mind being haunted by. I didn't include my mom. I doubt she'd be a good ghost to have, since I'd invariably be bummed out every time I try to hug her only to have my arms go through her. Also, there's no guarantee she'll appear as beautiful as she was in real life, and I don't want to be put in a situation where I'd have to say, "Mom, you look like sh*t."

I did include the following:

Elvis
Granted, his movies were bunk and his music experienced a steep decline in quality after the 50s and early 60s, but when you think about it Elvis has the style and je ne sais quoi that would make him a pretty dynamic apparition. The first thing I'd suggest is for him to ditch the jumpsuits and slim down a little.

Can you imagine an Elvis ghost?

Me Elvis, the wife's a little frigid lately. Do you think you can bust out Blue Moon for me to warm her up a bit?
The King "Blue mooooonnn.... you saw me standing alone...."
Me Yeah, that's the sh*t, buddy. You want another rice cake?
The King Gnarf gnarf gnarffffff....
Me Whoahhh. Easy there, dog. You almost bit my finger.


Think of the entertainment possibilities. Every Super Bowl Sunday you can turn off the lame half-time show and have some laughs with Elvis and your friends.

Me Elvis, do some of that kung fu sh*t.
(Elvis complies)
Group Waaaaaah- ha haaaaaaawww!
Donny (Wiping tears of laughter from his eyes) I think I just p*ssed my pants! Haaa- ha haaaawww.

An Elvis ghost would be pretty darned sweet.


Edgar Allan Poe
I paired up the King and Poe in a post last year... but if there's someone that would know something about haunting, it's Poe. Additionally appealing is the fact that he had a bit of a drinking problem.

Me Edgar, let's polish off a bottle of Wild Turkey and go f*ck with my in-laws again.
Edgar (hic) I'm game....
Me You might want to give that "nevermore" business with Aunt Judy's bird a rest, though. It's a little played out.
Edgar Shall we (hic) esconce her cat behind the dry-wall again?
Me Neh. I'm thinking torches and chains and sh*t.
Edgar All right... (hic) but we've got to stop at Home Depot and that antique store on Niagara Street.
Me Oooof. That place gives me the creeps.
Edgar Exactly....


That Ghost From Ghostbusters that Unzips Raymond Stantz's Pants
Now that's some ghostin'. Enough said. Mrs. P, obviously, would be extremely opposed to this ghost and would evoke the ghost of either Jack the Ripper or King Henry VIII to dispose of her properly. Damn...

Terry Schiavo
This ghost would be pretty darned harmless. Yeah, it'd be pretty downright creepy, but anybody with toddlers or young children would appreciate this ghost at dinner time - especially after spending a half hour making pasta with broccoli.

Me What do you mean you don't want to eat the broccoli? They're Godzilla trees! Godzilla loves to eat those trees.
Fletchmonster No.
O-Dog I hate Godzilla trees.
Me Come on, guys. One bite.
Boys No!
Me All right you little bastages. I've been in this kitchen for an hour already. You don't eat dinner and I'm throwing your asses in that room with the Schiavo ghost.
Boys Gnarf gnarf gnarffffff....
Me That's better.

I'm sure there are plenty of other ghosts out there that might be fun to have around... Share some laughs with John Candy, throw some bevvies back with W.A. Mozart, attend the next in-law party with Lizzie Borden, bitch-slap with Rick James or attend the Winter Olympics with Sonny Bono.

With my luck I'd just get stuck with a Patrick Swayze or something... trying to give me the reach-around at the potter's wheel. (shudder.)