17.1.06

We Sold our Soul in Vain


Oh Mighty Satan! Where you 'been? Back in the day, you used to reign supreme in the pantheon of rock. If you weren't being praised outright by bands such as Venom and Slayer, you were paid homage to in secret and clever acronyms, such as AC/DC - All Children are the Devil's Children and KISS - Knight's in Satan's Service. We played our LPs backwards in hopes that you would coax us into sacrificing a squirrel by jamming an M-80 up its ass. We donned your image proudly on our $15 long-sleeve "beefy-t's. You manifested your nefarious presence on our school desks in the form of a pentagram or signature '666'.

Though your followers, denizen of homogenously white suburbs and trailer parks, numbered in the millions, you've since become a footnote in the mighty tome of rock. We still find your vibe elsewhere, most recently in the following acronym:

Satan
Cram
Our
Tuneless
Tripe

Shamelessly down the

Throats of
Assholes and other
Practicing
Protestants


Evidenced by the fact that there were at least ninety drastically reduced and unsold copies of his debut solo album at the recent 'Going Out of Business-Everything Must Go' sale at Media Play, it's clear that your powers are waning. I realize you're quite busy trying to collectively run the White House, keep American Idol and other reality shows on the air while at the same time, keeping the careers of Queen Fajita and Jim Carey afloat. That's no excuse for your misguided and lame attempts to rule the multiverse. You're coming off a bit fallacious, man... and you are making life miserable for those who loved you most. You've taken the form of Dave Matthews, Dick Cheney and Dr. Phil while making an incoherent, walking joke out of Ozzy. Oh, and thanks a lot for Marilyn Manson. That was about as evil as chihuahua shit.

You're losing your lustre in my book. Either bring back the magic, or go the f*ck back to hell. And take Jessica Simpson with you, beee-yatch.

(goat's horns)
Prego

28 comments:

~A~ said...

Yeah, I jump train back in the late 80s when I knew he was losing his touch with his whole possessing Cabbage Patch Kid dolls ordeal.

I thank ye whole heartedly for the giggle.

Plumkrazzee said...

Ha! This cracked me the hell up. (Thanks for your words of affirmation earlier..although I personally enjoy a good dose of Alpo on occasion) =) I bet we were walking parellel lines through the universe back in the 80's...HOLY CRAP that sounded like something a Scientologist would have said...i'll shut up now.

Maryanne said...

Sounds like someone needs a nap in a "Hot Topic" store! If that doesn't work, then I got nothing! Sorry!

Prego said...

Hot Topic, eh? Yet another faux pas on the part of Beelzebub. Taking rebellion to the malls! A pox of pimples upon Hot Topic clerks. Oh... wait. Nature took care of that.

Mary Tsao said...

When I saw Ozzie on reality TV (and saw how lame a life he led), I was saddened. What happened to the guy who was so frightening I wasn't allowed to listen to his albums?

And then there was Metallica and their latest movie, "Some Kind of Monster." Hey guys, why do we want to watch you sit in therapy? C'mon, where's the mystery? Where's the metal up your a**? Why'd ya have to go and get all touchy feely on us?

Sigh.

Carmi said...

Provocative post! I wonder if Satan has lost his edge, or if we simply no longer care enough to personify the behaviors in a red-suited dude.

Speaking of red-suited dudes, have you ever wondered about the whole Satan-Santa parallel?

Bitchet said...

yea and take Jessica Simpsons jeans back with you too!

Chele In [dot] LA said...

it was a girl moment..
ahahaha
thanks for stopping again..
and not linking..
ahahahah

JV said...

Whew, I was afraid for a minute that you weren't going to mention American Idol...

Michele says hi.

Grace said...

take Jessica and Ashley please.

Killired said...

interesting... the devil made me come here and post...
(no, i am not calling michele a devil.. .just playing along with the post)

Raehan said...

Well, what can I say to that, except keep American Idol and take Jessica.

Raehan said...

Oh, and Michele sent me.

OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

Hey Prego...It's your old pal, OldOldLady Of The Hills....

About Satan...it seems to me he lives but he's hiding behind many so called beatific faces...You Figure Out Who!! (lol)

I'm here from Michele today and your the 4th person I'm visiting so no one gets left out!!

Joe said...

Satan's job has been outsourced to Abu in India.

From now on Abu will be your dark overlord.

You didn't get the memo?

/here via Michele.

Sheesh said...

I agree with Mary Tsao...I hear "heavy metal" from the 80's and wonder where the metal went. Here via Michele's.

Plain Jane said...

Oh my gosh - I had a hard time focusing on what you actually SAID (wrote) in the face of that ADORABLE Spider-Man-Satan child!

Shane said...

I heard he's slinging hash at a Denny's on Sunset Ave. in Los Angeles.

~michele sent me

kontan said...

dont care for jessica simpson too much hmmm? too funny prego.

here from micheles

Anonymous said...

Hi! Michele sent me. :)

Kestrel

Plumkrazzee said...

I agree with Hot Topic thing. Whatevr happened to staying up late, splashing bleach straight from the bottle onto your new Levi's just to make them look "hot". Or slicing up your t-shirts after cutting the collars off.......things are much too easy anymore. It's only fun if it don't come easy! Michele sent me back.

Last Girl On Earth said...

Anyone who can mention Dave Matthews, Dick Cheney and Dr. Phil together is the same sentence and make it work is OJ by me! You're my hero, Prego!

Carmi said...

I had to look at the photo again - I didn't realize when I first saw it that it was Jon Lovitz.

An all-time classic if ever there was one. I miss his heyday.

rob said...

Dude...Satan is so post.

Granted, he kept his sexy a lot longer than God did. How long has it been since the original maven of deus ex fashiona, Zarathustra, pronounced the whole God fad as being dead?

Maybe it's time for Jaweh to make a comeback. Someone get Amy Grant and Michael W. Smith on the horn! Tell them to start recording subliminal messages in their albums:

"szzzisgsshhhnlflrrrrJesuswantsyoutoeatmorefiberfllllrrrrrrbnshhrrrgt..."

Oh...and Scott Stapp? FUCKING ASS BANDIT!!!!

That bitch is anti-music.

ribbiticus said...

beelzebub's been so busy making the rounds of hollywood, he's lost his pitchfork! :)

glomgold said...

scott stapp. hahahahah!!

The Mistress of the Dark said...

Ah man. This is hilarious. Here via Michele's again

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