We Sold our Soul in Vain

Oh Mighty Satan! Where you 'been? Back in the day, you used to reign supreme in the pantheon of rock. If you weren't being praised outright by bands such as Venom and Slayer, you were paid homage to in secret and clever acronyms, such as AC/DC - All Children are the Devil's Children and KISS - Knight's in Satan's Service. We played our LPs backwards in hopes that you would coax us into sacrificing a squirrel by jamming an M-80 up its ass. We donned your image proudly on our $15 long-sleeve "beefy-t's. You manifested your nefarious presence on our school desks in the form of a pentagram or signature '666'.

Though your followers, denizen of homogenously white suburbs and trailer parks, numbered in the millions, you've since become a footnote in the mighty tome of rock. We still find your vibe elsewhere, most recently in the following acronym:

Satan
Cram
Our
Tuneless
Tripe

Shamelessly down the
Throats of
Assholes and other
Practicing
Protestants

Evidenced by the fact that there were at least ninety drastically reduced and unsold copies of his debut solo album at the recent 'Going Out of Business-Everything Must Go' sale at Media Play, it's clear that your powers are waning. I realize you're quite busy trying to collectively run the White House, keep American Idol and other reality shows on the air while at the same time, keeping the careers of Queen Fajita and Jim Carey afloat. That's no excuse for your misguided and lame attempts to rule the multiverse. You're coming off a bit fallacious, man... and you are making life miserable for those who loved you most. You've taken the form of Dave Matthews, Dick Cheney and Dr. Phil while making an incoherent, walking joke out of Ozzy. Oh, and thanks a lot for Marilyn Manson. That was about as evil as chihuahua shit.

You're losing your lustre in my book. Either bring back the magic, or go the f*ck back to hell. And take Jessica Simpson with you, beee-yatch.

(goat's horns)
Prego