6.2.06

You've Come a Long Way, Baby

Proponents of 1972's landmark Title IX law could have never envisioned the monumental strides American women have made since the law went into effect over 30 years ago. The law provides women with equal opportunity, mandating that any institution that receives federal funding prohibit gender based discrimination. Aside from the obvious educational benefits, which have resulted in a substantial increase in degrees conferred upon women, we've also seen dramatic growth in women's sports. From the softball diamonds of the colleges, to the WNBA young girls have made monumental gains in self-esteem, health and career opportunities.

We can now add "high profile Postal whacko" to the illustrious list.

Of course, there have been some notable female killers in the bloodied history of the United States. The hatchet job Lizzie Borden pulled in the 19th Century comes to mind, as do the numerous isolated instances of Post-Partum carnage that dot the news tickers. Until now, however, most sanguinary behaviour of grandiose proportions were solely chalked up in the male column. The term "going postal" generally evoked images of a maladjusted Vietnam Vet losing his marbles after losing his gig, coming back to the Post Office packing a couple rifles and a ham sandwich and laying his previous co-workers to waste. You've also got the Jr. Modified version with the conventional image of a pimply, morose teen who is upset that he got picked last for gym or that all his other buddies are getting more tail than he. The lion's share of these cases have been the handiwork of men.

That's why Jennifer San Marco is such a breath of fresh air. No longer do we have to dismiss truly psychopathic behaviour to such intrinsically female factors such as menstruation and the irrational behaviour that some feel accompany it. Since there were no offspring involved, you could also throw the aforementioned Post-Partum Depression alibi out with the proverbial bath water. All we're left with is the true essence of Jennifer. Of course, girlfriend was coo-coo for Cocoa Puffs - not just nuts; she was nuts for a girl. That's some high quality insanity that goes far and beyond what any boyfriend/husband has had to endure on an otherwise uneventful Saturday afternoon.

San Marco is probably not going to de-throne the Patron Saint of Lunacy, Chas. Manson. She's more of the type of crazy you see in your neighborhood - the large lady, wearing unflatteringly revealing clothing sans brassiere, the one who laughs to herself, or the woman rolls boogers and flicks them at the window of the convenient store to see if they stick. Her sh*t went unchecked enough to land her a job in, of all places, (INSERT CLICHE HERE) a postal facility.

Two years after leaving her job, homegirl coolly walks into a pawn shop and buys the Charlton Heston model Saturday Night Special after passing the "stringent" background check in New Mexico - where it's apparently slightly more difficult to procure a side arm than in Old Mexico.

Clerk - "Um, why are you purchasing this gun?"
Jennifer - "Gnaarph - biggle biggle bluurrrrb (snort) Wooobie-Woobie dackg Beelzebub daaaaah snrrreeeep"
Clerk - "Oooooh-Kay... Whatever you say, baby."(turns to co-clerk and draws imaginary loops around his ears) "That'll be $325 plus tax."



The rest, as they say, is 'her'story. Jennifer's legacy is secured at the expense of the unfortunate souls that didn't see the crazy bitch coming. How could they? They were lulled into a false sense of security, expecting the bearded chap with a beer gut and chili stained sweat-shirt. Or perhaps the slackjawed pizza-face with the signature trench coat. Little did they have to fear when they saw frumpzilla waltzing in packing heat and a sour disposition.

Virginia Slims is mighty proud of you, babe.

Unfortunately Jennifer opted out of sticking around to see the giant leap she just took for womankind. "One small cap to bust for a woman..." and all that. You're playing with the big-boys now. If she could say anything now, I'm sure she'd impart us with "Gnaarph - biggle biggle bluurrrrb (snort) Wooobie-Woobie dackg Beelzebub daaaaah snrrreeeep"

22 comments:

rob said...

Is it really such a surprise? Of the crazy people that I personally know, all of them are women. Women are just much better at being crazy than men.

Violent and crazy? Yeah, men, typically, have had that market pretty much covered. However, my ex-MIL was arrested in '01 for holding a trucket hostage on the side of I5 with a shotgun because she thought he was a terrorist.

Nope...not kidding.

~A~ said...

Oh looky me, posting after my brother. No fucking shit women are crazier than men. Dealing with assholes like him, his whole life, that'll drive any sane girl to sprinkle glitter in people's hair.

And the fact that he won't call our mother, causing her to bitch to me; "Have you talked to Rob? Is he going to call me? He owes me money you know." This is just my brother opening the door for craziness to creep in.

Let's go to my husband who can't seem to throw a used paper towel away. He leaves in on the counter above the garbage can! I can literally brush it off the counter and knock it in to the can. Maybe he thinks he's setting me up for some fun little game. Well let me tell you mister, it ain't so fun anymore.

Then there's the men in training. The ones who can't seem to piss in the toilet. It's not like they're so tall and far from the pot. It's not like they have a whole lot of urine in their bladders. Why can't the pee in the toilet? Not on, not around, not next to, BUT IN!

And these are men that I love. Imagine the motherfucker who gives me a dirty look in the parking lot because he's the fucktard on the cell phone cutting through the spaces...Yeah, I would hex him with laundry but it would be his poor wife doing it for him.

~A~ said...

Oh yeah, and that shit about Rob's ex-MIL.... Yeah, he's not kidding. That woman scares me.

Prego said...

Not to mention that crazy bitch that tried to lure the two of you into the gingerbread house.


Rob, women take crazy to heights we could never attain. We drive them there comfortably.

~A~ Your husband sounds a lot like my wife. Her other thing is leaving the newly opened roll of shit tickets ATOP the toilet paper dispenser. I know those springs can be tricky sometimes, but shhheeeeit... I'm sure I have my own ideosyncracies that drive her to nut-hood.

Mary Tsao said...

When I saw this story on the news I was amazed. Why is a post office shoot-up by a former employee news? I thought it was the sign of a slow newsday, but now (thanks to you, Prego) I realize that the news was the fact she was a woman. Gotcha.

Well, go get 'em sister!

Meghan said...

Like Mary said. Equal Exposure for equal crazy. She only got 70% of the coverage of the previous male postal koo-koo nutties.

Women are crazy. Yes. But men are crazy, and much more emottionally repressed, which leads to a higher incindence of violent murderous outbursts.

Now all you peeps with a "Y" Chromosome (otherwise known as a dongle) go home and listen to Rosie Greer sing "It's allright to cry". And for Pete's sake, DON'T Kill anyone. Okay?

Bitchet said...

always good for a laugh Prego

Plain Jane said...

Beelzebub.

I like it.

~ rawr ~

mar said...

The whole story is new to me...scary one. Michele sent me.

Valerie said...

so sad how far we have come. BTW your nick name for me today totally cracked me up. LOL Sweet Pee!

Dak-Ind said...

i have to say this is probably the BEST take on this i have seen since it happened.

Women are crazy, yeppers, i just hope that men continue to be the leaders of crazy and violent... i have an image to maintain here!

Dak-Ind said...

i forgot to say michele sent me.

kristal said...

We're all about the guns here in New Mexico!

Don't forget about Aileen Wuornos. I was living in Florida around the time of her killing spree and it was big news.

The Flamingess said...

Hi, Michele sent me

srp said...

Here from Michele.
A dubious distinction at best.
Men/women, disgruntled, who knows why people do what they do. Stupidity is definitely part of it.

Aging Fabulous said...

Scary world we live in!

Shannon said...

me again....from micheles!

Dave said...

With your gun laws what do you expect?
Here from Michele's this evening.

Carmi said...

That's it, I'm going to sell the house and move into a cabin in the woods with no connection to the outside world.

This world's getting too bizarro for me.

surcie said...

I like your coverage best, Prego. (And for the record, I sent myself.)

Amy said...

I like being crazy. It makes my days go by faster.
I'm in charge of buying the groceries and stamps and my husband's in charge of locking the gun cabinet.

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