Six Years Older Than Jesus

The following words escaped my lips today:

"Oh yeah? I went to boot camp there twenty-one years ago."

Ah, it seems like yesterday I was defecating in a doorless stall with an audience of a dozen or so other constipated recruits. But no, it wasn't yesterday. It was 7,665 yesterdays ago, 50 lbs. ago & a full head of hair ago. Hot college freshmen weren't born yet, and those that were born that year can now drink to their heart's content (or at least until they fall backwards off of the bar stool with their legs in the air).

Yup, today Blogger automatically updated my profile to indicate I've completed my 39th revolution around a flaming ball of gas (Louie Anderson). Save the accolades & well-wishes. I attribute my longevity to looking both ways before I cross the street & getting the hang of the whole respiration thing. That was a bitch.

August 9, 1967:

Grgmpnbtrhh... gasp. (cough). Inhale exhale. Inhale exhale. Inhale exhale. Inhale exhale.

It's pretty much been automatic since then. Generally, I do it through my nose, unless it's crusted over with boogers or I'm at the end of a shift on the ice, in which case the mouth comes in to pick up the slack. I try not to waste too much breath, but every once in a while a bit escapes. Audibly.

Here are other things that escaped my lips recently:

"That Little People show is still on the air? Midgets should only be televised on David Lee Roth videos."

Female Hockey Player in Bar: So, you play on a team with a bunch of fags? How's that working out for you?
Me: As long as they can skate, I don't give a flying rat's *ss where they put their d*ck.

A bit of spittle.

Mrs. Prego: Honey, did you pick up the poop in the back yard?
Me: (Fingers in ears - to the tune of Minnie Ripperton's "Lovin' You") La-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la-la... la-la-la-la-la la la la la la la,
dooo doo do do do dooooo, eeee eeeee eeeee eeeee eeeeeee....

"Each of her boobs is the size of Fletchmonster's head."

"(Shudder) Well, there's a sore for sight-eyes."

"You only call them 'Jesus-kickers' when you're talking to daddy. Your grandma and grandpa call them 'sandals'."

"That thing is a behemoth. I meant the dog, not your friend."

"Come to Carmela."

For the 53rd consecutive week: "I think I'm going to start running on Monday."

Here are several utterances that shan't:

"John Tesh? I have all his albums."

"Really? Dr. Phil was talking about that."

"So, anything new with your co-workers, honey?"

"Sorry I farted in front of you, babe. Next time I'll leave the room."

"Oooh. Wal*Mart. Let's see if they have (product) there."

"I Believe in God, the Father almighty, Creator of heaven and earth. And in Jesus Christ, His only Son, our Lord, Who was conceived by the Holy Ghost, born of the Virgin Mary, suffered under Pontius Pilate, was crucified, died and was buried: He descended into hell, the third day He arose again from the dead; He ascended into heaven, sitteth at the right hand of God the Father almighty; from thence He shall come to judge the living and the dead. I believe in the Holy Ghost, the holy Catholic Church, the communion of Saints, the forgiveness of sins, the resurrection of the body, and life everlasting. Amen."

"Sweet. A wedding invitation."

"Let's go to that place we saw on Rachel Ray."

"Allow me to help you with the laundry."

"I pledge allegiance to the flag..."

"NASCAR is really a sport, when you think about it."

"I'd feel safer with a gun in the house."

I'm reserving these for my last breath:
"If there is a god, I'm f*cked."


(To the tune of Minnie Ripperton's "Lovin' You") "La-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la-la... la-la-la-la-la la la la la la la,
dooo doo do do do dooooo, eeee eeeee eeeee eeeee eeeeeee.."

Inhale exhale. Inhale exhale. Inhale exhale. Inhale exhale. Inhale exhale. Inhale exhale. Inhale exhale. Inhale exhale. Inhale exhale. Inhale exhale. Inhale exhale. Inhale exhale. ...


archshrk said...

Crap! you're still older than me (just when I thought I was catching up) Happy birthday.

~A~ said...

Who knew you were so old.

Happy birthday!

Im Chele In LA said...

You Soy Chicano..

So they call us that any more..

Feliz Compleanos..

is that how you spell it..

The day after my daughter.

Ville said...

Well Happy Birthday!! I am exactly 2 months older than you. My big 39 was back on the 9th of June. It's a bit strange isn't it?
Still pushing 40 uphill. :-)

Jacques Roux said...

Oh, and Happy Birthday!

Joe said...

So good luck with that whole aging thing.

Atul said...

Happy Birthday! I knew there was something cool about you; you're a Leo too. My bday is on the 21st.

tiff said...

AH, yer a BABY! :>

If you don't mind (and I'm not checking back in here to see if you DO), I'm linking to this post on my blog, because it's GRRRREAT. Expect droves of tens of readers to come to your site through the referral.

I'm SO all about sharing the lub on the interwebs.

Kingfisher said...

Stupid youngsters.

Wait 'til breathing becomes voluntary.

Rick said...

Greetings. I'm tiff's drove and I was fifteen the day you were born. I remember it well. Happy birfday!

kenju said...

Happy Birthday, Prego! and many more to come. Fifty is just a baby in my book...LOL

surcie said...

You've just begun your FORTIETH year, dude. That's some heavy, um, stuff. (I'm one year and two months behind you.) Happy Birthday!

shpprgrl said...

Belated greetings! Hope it was happy!

keda said...

ooh happy belated birthday dearie.

great post. snicker snicker.
i see my death scene being somewhat similar. and fabulously i use minnie ripperton in exactly the same way. tee hee.

there's years of avoidance in you yet youngish man :)

Carmi said...

Joyeux fete, mon ami Americain. You're not older...you're simply more experienced, and as a result more qualified to talk about the world than those beer-swilling-yet-strangely-hot freshman of which you speak.

Intelligence, frankly, is hot. Inexperience is definitely not.

Val said...

Well, well...
I am back on your blog, and glad to see you're just about as old as me (July is when I fell to 39)...