Open Letter To the ***hole Who Stole O-Dog's Hockey Equipment

Dear Petty-*ss Thief:

Thanks for the minor inconvenience last week. I'm sure you're proud of your accomplishment. It's the craftiest heist since D. B. Cooper's. I realize I made your 'crime' a bit easier by leaving the door unlocked, but the way you managed the door handle? Now that was some adroit sh*t right there. Masterful.

I don't know what you were expecting to find in the O-Dog's hockey bag: $38,000 in small bills? Bootleg DVDs of Spiderman 3? A complete set of Funk & Wagnalls from 1973? I can imagine your disappointment when all you found was tot sized hockey gear.

There are two scenarios I envision in which you tallied up your haul. One, you cart the satchel off to your squalid little hovel, unzip the bag (I'm sure you were able to handle this task after the way in which you worked your way past the car door) and utter a long "Faaaaaaaaaahhhhhhkkkk" after pulling out tiny skates and and a youth M sized jersey. I hope you at least managed to take the goods in to a used sporting goods store and used the $40 or so they'd give you for a carton of smokes and a case of PBR.

The other less likely scenario assumes you have a little wretch at home. "Look, Jr. Christmas came early this year." In which case, I hope the bastard son of Scott Stevens catches your kid skating with his ugly-*ss head down through centre ice. On second thought, I shouldn't wish ill upon your spawn. It's bad enough it's got you for a parent. Besides, somebody's got to grieve your smack-addled corpse someday.

Either way, my congratulations on your cunning and guile. Maybe next time you can help yourself to the 43¢ in pennies and nickles I had in the ashtray.

Disdainfully yours,

PS I replaced the O-Dog's gear. Perhaps you'd like to take it from us mano a mano? I'd love to have you try. I'm sure they'll be able to surgically remove the hockey stick from your rectum.


jen said...

those bastards!!!

jen said...

ps my new home is picturejen.wordpress.com

Carrie said...

efffin theives!

Sophie T. Mishap said...

That really blows. Sorry Prego Family. :(

~A~ said...

If it happened around here I'd say it was a tweaker and he hocked it for meth. But then he would have taken your car too.

I'm not even going to waste a good hex on that fucktard.

sage said...

that's a bummer, but I love the humor and grace you employ in the letter. These lines were classic:

"On second thought, I shouldn't wish ill upon your spawn. It's bad enough it's got you for a parent. Besides, somebody's got to grieve your smack-addled corpse someday."

Pearl said...

Aww, that's a pain. They didn't walk in there with the hockey gear. Why walk out with it?

Michele sent me to feel your pain.

PI said...

My business partner once had her house ransacked and her daughter's money box was raided. Incredibly {it was in the sixties) the thief was caught and my BP was allowed to speak to him. I wish I had been there. She lacerated him with her tongue. Passions run high when your child is involved. Sorry for you all.

rampant bicycle said...

Rrgh. Now THAT's a low thing to do. I'm sorry to hear it...but I hope better things come your way soon. :)

(Michele sent me!)

Carmi said...

I'm amazed at your ability to find the funny in this. Amazed and impressed, actually. As a victim of a robbery a few years back - idiots got my camera, my bar mitzvah ring, and the watch my parents had bought me for graduation - I can sadly empathize with you.

The cretins will never get the one thing your son does: an incredible dad like you.

I liked you a lot already. I like you even more after having read this. You're one righteous dude.