8.6.07

私-私

JFH just tagged me with one of those "me-me" deals. If we were in Mexico it'd be a "Yo-Yo"... a "je-je" in Paris... or if you had the misfortune of being in Germany, an "ich-ich."

The creative well's down to about a thimble-full, and I always comply anyway, so what-the-heck. Here are eight useless tidbits you don't know about me:


1. On occasion, I've inadvertently worn the same pair of underwear for three or four days. Observe:
Thursday morning - 7:30 AM shower (fresh pair of boxers)
Thursday night - hockey game - 11:58 PM locker room shower (same pair)
Friday morning - "Late for work" deodorant application - 7:32 AM (same pair)
Friday night - hockey game - 12:01 AM locker room shower - (same pair)
Saturday - Run around with kids... collapse from exhaustion - showerless.
Sunday - Hockey - 8:38 AM locker room shower (Underwear tries to flee to safety. Retrieve underwear. Go home... wife threatens divorce. Remove aforementioned garment with surgical gloves and tongs.)

2. I have eaten a sandwich while doing "Old No. 2."
You're either a member of this club or you aren't. (It wasn't a club... it was a hoagie.) It's not as illustrious as, and doesn't have the same notoriety as the one that involves a female and a bathroom in an airplane. Regrettably, I'm not a member of that one... I don't think Mrs. P would go for it. Even if she did agree to it, it'd be tough to pull off logistically. It'd go down something like this:
Prego: Come on, man. Let's go 'do it' in the bathroom. It'll be so cool.
Mrs. P: Oh... all right.
Prego: (to flight attendant) Hey, toots. Do you think you can watch these kids while my wife and I both go (grabs sandwich) uh... defecate? It'll only take 96 seconds.
Flight Attendant: (to self - Oh, my gawd... he's brown. This is suspicious.) Security!

(At this point, Prego - sandwich in hand - is turned into carpaccio by a couple of thugs wearing gub'ment issue Ray-Bans and Aqua Velva aftershave.)
3. I hate Brussels sprouts.
I have eaten iguana, moose, alligator, octopus, snails, the paper that 'birthday cupcakes' come in and even boogers, but if you a Brussels sprout in front of me, I'll throw a toddler-esque fit:
Prego: Waaahhhh. It tastes FARTY in my moufff...
Fletch-monster: By gawd, O-Dog. I believe father is correct.
O-Dog: Mother, I also refuse to ingest this wretched vegetable.
Mrs. P: Oh, jesuschrist... All right. You don't have to eat them.
O-Dog & Fletchmonster: Brah-vo. Thank you, dear mum.
Prego: I no like da couscous eether....
Mrs. P: Faaaaaahhhk.
4. I've been ridiculed for admitting to having had a crush on Lecy Goranson... or the "original Becky" from the Rosanne show; even more so for further mentioning that she and her replacement Sarah Chalke would be my first choices for my "dream" ménage-a-trois.

Of course, that was during the single days. My choice these days would be Mrs. P and an exact DNA clone...


...of a sheep.


5. On the subject of celebrity crushes, recently I saw a picture of Matthew McConaughey on my friend Josh's refrigerator:
Prego: What gives?
Josh's Wife: Oh... we were having a conversation about 'gay crushes' and if you had to have one, who would it be. Josh said that his was Matthew McConaughey.
Prego: ...and...
Josh's Wife: A friend of his sent him the picture as a joke.
Prego: ah... (eyes picture and Josh suspiciously)
Josh: Why? Who's yours?
Prego: Jack Black.
Everyone in Kitchen - including Mrs. P: (Laughter) WHAAAAAAT????
Prego: If I had to go through something like homosexuality... I wouldn't want to do it with a pretty boy and that "hold me" sh*t... and I'd better be laughing my *ss off.

(Everyone in kitchen discusses the logic behind this choice like a bunch of academic types tearing apart a dissertation.)

6. I once bet a schoolmate 100 Bolivares (Approximately $25 in 1983 - Currently about $0.19 these days) that I could go the whole day without talking. I lasted about two and a half hours before I accidentally blurted something out. I snuck a bill out of my dad's wallet to pay the debt -- one of the reasons I'm going to hell.

7. Other than immediate family members, I'm a horrible thief. I once walked around a K-Mart for about 48 minutes with a cassette copy of the Ramones' Rocket to Russia album in my pocket and a pack of gum in my hand. I was too nervous to go through with my plan. I kept envisioning the following scene:

Cashier: (Oh my gawd. He's brown...) SECURITY!
(Teenage Prego is pummeled into carpaccio by an overweight and mustachioed security guard wearing dime-store sunglasses and reeking of kielbasa.)

and

8. I once accidentally walked in on songstress Sarah MacLachlan while she while she was putting on deodorant. She took it pretty well (she's a wonderful woman). Though I find her extremely attractive, it wasn't quite enough to make me drool like a Pavlovian shih-tzu like I would if it would have been Lecy Goranson, Jack Black or....

a sheep.


In keeping with the "me-me" accord, I hereby tag Matthew McConaughey.

12 comments:

jfh said...

Gawd, Prego, you are too funny. I'm laughing my *ss off. Thanks for playing the meme game. My body probably couldn't handle it if I knew you in real life cause keeping oneself adequately supplied with Depends isn't cheap! BTW, little Al is great. He's started crawling and launched himself out of his crib the other afternoon. He survived. I barely did

Pearl said...

Your 8 made me laugh. And educational. never heard of McConaughey or Black.

kenju said...

Good one, Prego. Long time no see! On #'s 1 & 2 = EWEWEWEWEWEWEW!!

#'s 4&5 = HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Michele sent me.

Mr. Althouse said...

I don't like Brussels sprouts either. They are the worst thing ever to come from Brussels. Probably the second worst thing as well. They are kind of fun to disassemble though.
Michele sent me,

Mike

David said...

whoah, very much weirdness here ( i feel right at home)

The Turmanators said...

Bwaaahhhaaaa!!!!! You had me laughing out loud, much to the chagrin of the Short People, who at 3 and 5 should not be exposed to your meme. My husband, on the other hand, will appreciate your honesty...particularly about the sandwich-eating. I suspect (but won't ask b/c I really don't care to know) that he is a member of this club as well. My sympathies and congratulations to Mrs. P.

Thanks for the visit. I'm sure I'll be back!

MM said...

I fucking hate you, Prego. But I can't resist a tag, so here goes.

1) I can only take my shirt off on camera.

It's true. I can't do it if I'm not being filmed. Even if I'm alone. I need to set up the camcorder just to get naked. Needless to say, the ladies I giggety-get with either better like starring in homemade porn or getting t-shirt burn on their backs.

2) I was payed for my work on "Dazed and Confused" in Doritoes.

There was some serious fiending for cool ranch love when we sat down to negotiate salary.

3) My butt swallows air.

I can fart on cue because I can manipulate my ass such that it intakes air. I can collect it and distribute it at will. When I do, it sounds breathy with a slightly moist overture. Kinda like Jody Foster. It smells like her breath, too. As far as I'm concerned, John Hinckley can have her.

4) I'm currently writing a screenplay for a romantic comedy called "Cool Ranch Love".

It's "Cool Hand Luke" meets "Brokeback Mountain" meets "Jersey Girl". It's gonna be Gigliiscious.

With fags.

5) Contrary to popular belief: I only have 5 pack abs.

I got them at 7-11 and wasn't paying attention when I pulled them out of the cooler. I guess there's some wino out there who could only afford to pay for a 1 pack. I hope he doesn't freeze to death because he has no place to sleep, but I kind of hope that he dies anyway.

6) I always get the seven deadly sins mixed up with the seven dwarves.

I really don't have a funny follow-up for that one. It's just true. I always feel that I need to go to confession for being sleepy.

Or for being bashful.

Why else do people bless you for sneezing?

This well is dry.

7) Tentacle porn makes me cry.

Those demonic, japanese, alien beasts really know how to cuddle a girl. Just hold her really tightly.

8) "We Are Marshall" = ...

...We Are a Bunch of People Who Owe a Lot of Back Taxes.

angela marie said...

hilarious!

~Cathy~ said...

Thanks for the laugh!!! I now know 8 things about you that I wish I didn't. ;)

Here from Michelle's....

Carmi said...

I can't stop laughing. You define the concept of wicked sense of humor better than anyone I know.

Don't ever change, k? The world needs your gift.

margalit said...

Ewwww... between the rancid underwear and your bathroom eating habits, I'm afraid I'm put off my feed bag for a bit.

And I love Brussel Sprouts. My fav veggie!

utenzi said...

Lecy Goranson??? Man, that's a little gross. Chalke, on the other hand, is just hot, hot, hot!